Giant Pacific Octopus - B.C., Canada

Stuff About Me

I've been very anonymous on this blog so far and tonight, I feel that I have made some friends here and I would like to share just a small bit about myself. Read on if you're interested, if not, no worries.

As a first time Mom of 41, life pretty much revolves around my little wonder. However, there are many more parts that make up the whole. Here are just a few:

~ I'm a preachers kid. We're a strange breed. Faith was a part of life, as much as toast for breakfast and brothers that teased. That's why, I left it all behind in my 30's. I needed to lose it and then find it again in order to make it my own. I didn't want to inherit my faith from my parents. I wanted to choose it for myself because I was convinced of what I believe. I did find it again and it means more to me than anything else in the world.

~ I love to scuba dive, that you already know. My favorite thing in the ocean is handsdown, the octopus. They are amazing creatures, as intelligent as dogs and so beautiful. If I believed in reincarnation, I would want to come back as an octopus, far away from the sushi restaurants.

~ I spent 3 years in University but did not finish. I am considering going back in September to complete my teaching degree.

~ I'm a dog person. One hundred percent. I have a Lhasa Apso that I love dearly. I'm allergic to cats.

~ I have 3 brothers. Yikes. That's why I wanted a son...I understand boys, I don't always understand girls.

~ I love to watch Survivor, Amazing Race and West Wing. That's about it for T.V.

~ I love to go to movies alone. Especially romantic comedies.

~ My husband proposed to me at the bottom of the ocean at about 65 ft. He gave me a treasure map that led to my beautiful diamond ring. I said yes.

~ I love chocolate, fresh bread, mandarin oranges, green grapes, popsicles, Greek Salad with extra Feta Cheese.

~ I hate egg whites, walnuts, beets, brussel sprouts and liver (but love liver pate. Go figure)

~ I dream of owning a dive shop in Turks & Caicos someday with my husband.

~ I love boats.

Thank you for reading. I have enjoyed doing this blog. It has been a part of the healing that is happening in my life. God is here in this space. He has met me here. Isn't that amazing? He is not bound by rules or tradition. He is current and willing to use whatever it takes to have a deeper relationship with us. As I crawl under my quilt tonight I will think about this blogging experience and feel grateful that God loves me enough to never let me go, and I anxiously await the miracle He has prepared for me. Blessings on you all. Good night.

The Universe Declares Your Majesty, You Are Holy, Holy.

The Word Yet Unspoken

Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, the twentyfour elders fall down before him who sits on the throne, and worship him who lives for ever and ever. They lay their crowns before the throne and say, “You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being.” Revelations 4: 9-11

Before I crawl under the quilt tonight, I will go to my knees and praise my Father that He has noticed me and has turned His face towards me. And I know this to be truth, despite how difficult the journey. And even though I have not seen my prayers answered fully, I will raise unworthy hands towards Him and say, “Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord. I believe. I trust. I walk to the foot of Your throne and I lay before You this burden that is too have to bear. And I will look into Your eyes and I will see there a compassion so great the universe could not contain it. And I will see my unworthiness draped with Your amazing grace. And I will fall into Your arms and Your strong and mighty and righteous hand will wipe away my tears because You love me, and You made me and I am Yours. To say You are awesome is only the slightest hint of what my heart feels but my mind cannot express. The word does not yet exist, and will never be spoken until that day when I stand before You and my heart finally will be free to release the adoration and thankfulness I feel.

I Am

To My Father

Dear Father,
First of all, thank you for the beauty in nature that surrounded me on all sides today. The sun was warm and healing. The sky was the most amazing baby-boy blue. The air had that fresh crisp smell of winter on the verge of leaping into spring. My son smiled at me endlessly today. My husband and I laughed and got full to the brim on Sushi that floated around the restaurant on little boats. It is a wonder to me that you have allowed me to live here, in this place at this time in history. I live in astonishing comfort and sublime peace in comparison to many on this earth and I know I did nothing to deserve it.

Secondly, thank you for this blog space...a place where I can chronicle my journey and share my faith and be healed. Thank you that I have the capacity to write and learn and navigate around a computer. Thank you for each brother and sister I have encountered here and bless them all as they travel the roads you have set them on. Keep them in your care: LJ, Teresa, Lionfish, Tod, Claire, Marisa, Kel, Magvou, Adison, David and many others.

As I crawl under my quilt tonight, I will thank you that you are everywhere in my life. That even if I wanted to, I cannot escape your love. Thank you that you are in my waking, my sleeping, my laughter, and my weeping! I love you Father.

Awesome God

So Tired

Tonight, I have hit the wall. I'm so utterly exhausted that the thought of writing this blog entry makes my head swim. As I crawl under my quilt tonight I will thank God that He is a God of second chances. When He has the right to be fierce and angry He has offered us peace and hope and forgiveness. However, lets not forget that He is not just the God of peace and comfort but is a fierce-some and jealous God who demands much from those of us that call ourselves His children. We often don't like to talk about that side of God...but it is something that is weighing heavily on my mind today. Not only would it be impossible without Christ to stand in His fierce presence, but we would be unable to stand before His perfect goodness. Our shame would be unbearable and we would likely want to die. How amazing then is our salvation. How undeserving. How under appreciated. Thank you, thank you, thank you! For the rest of my days, may I never forget what His grace truly means. May I never return to that place where God is not first.

Simply Trusting

How Precious This Suffering

A year ago, if you were to tell me that God was going to test my faith and call me back to Him through suffering and sorrow and discouragement, I would have done anything to avoid what I am going through right now. However, in the midst of the storm, I instead have run to God and found a peace in suffering that I would not have found in serenity, in harmony, in joy, in love secure. Darlene Rose, a prisoner of the Japanese Army during WWII who suffered unspeakable torture and loss had this to say about suffering:

"There is a peace that comes after sorrow, of hope surrendered, not of hope fulfilled. Peace that looks not upon tomorrow, but calmly on a tempest that is stilled. It's a peace that lives not now in joyous successes, nor in the happy life of love secure, but in the unerring strength the heart possesses from conflicts won while learning to endure. It is a peace that is in sacrifice secluded, a life subdued from will and passion free. Tis not the peace that over Eden brooded, but that which triumphed in Gethsemane."

While I may never attain the kind of faith she had, I will continue to seek peace in my storm and pray that Christ will strengthen me and make me shine out brightly as a light for all who do not believe to see. An may they say, "I want to know the peace that she knows. I want to know her God." I pray that I will be able to do as Peter says in 1 Peter 4:16 ~ However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. As I crawl under my quilt tonight, I will Praise God and thank Him for all that He has taught me through this present suffering and I eagerly anticipate what's to come, for whether good or bad, it will be His plan and I will trust Him.

My Sugar Bear

Why I Smile Every Morning

There is something so beautiful about a baby when they've just woken up in the morning. My favourite part of the day is going into his room and picking him up out of his crib. I kiss him all over and call him embarrassing names like sugarbear and sweet angel face and honeybunny. He doesn't seem to mind (yet) and so I'll seize the opportunity now and enjoy it for all its worth. He kisses with his mouth wide open and babbles silly things as I change his diaper. I bend down and blow bubbles on his belly and he squeals. For the rest of the day, there are great moments and whinney, fussy moments and laughter and crying. But nothing compares to the mornings. As I crawl under my quilt tonight I will thank my Father for this amazing gift and I will promise to do my best to be a godly mother and bring up my little boy to be a godly man. In the midst of pain, my son gives me a reason to smile each and every morning.

Neverland

Losing Neverland

Tonight I went to the theatre and saw "Finding Neverland". I think it was likely a beautifully crafted movie. However, the majority of the story was lost on me. I kind of got 'stuck' straight from the beginning on the sadness of Mr. Barries wife. Many might have interpreted his neglect of her justified because of her seemingly cold and aloof demeanor. I saw it as a wife left behind while her husband became lost in his passion and the satisfaction of his own needs and I felt immense pity for her. Marriage. It requires such effort. Often we forget how carefully we have to tend our marital garden. We need to diligently water and feed it. We need to weed out the bad bits and nurture the good. We need to stop and appreciate the beauty of it. Breathe deeply the scents. Turn over the soil to keep it fresh. And if neglected, it will wither and fade and eventually die. Mr. Barrie was so intent on finding Neverland that in the process he lost it. As I crawl under my quilt tonight, I will ask the Father to help me to care deeply for my own 'garden' and with His help it will grow healthy and strong and I will not lose the magical place that is my own 'Neverland'.

Following His Voice To Safety 

My Mind, Stayed On Thee

There are many noises in this world that can easily drown out the Fathers voice if we are not vigilant and focused on Him. For me, those noises cry out that I have no hope, that I am not worthy, that I have failed. They fill my ears with doubt and fear. But the voice of Christ, the quiet voice of love, is always there guarding my mind and heart and filling me with peace. Like the bright beacon of a lighthouse, when I am tossing about on a dark and stormy sea, I must point my bow towards the light that is Christ and head for the safety of home. As I crawl under my quilt tonight, I will listen for that still, small voice that gives me such comfort and sleep in peace.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ~ Philipians 4:7

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. ~ Isaiah 26:3

He Stilled The Storm To A Whisper 

After The Storm

Last night, a storm raged outside our house. The wind was blowing so hard the house shook. As I lay under my quilt last night, there was a storm raging in my heart and I felt shaken to my core with fear and doubt. I told the Lord that I had given up. I couldn't face this storm any longer. I asked Him to (pardon me here friends) crap or get off the pot so to speak. I told Him I needed to feel hope again. In fact, I needed a miracle or I was going to through in the towel. I was done. I needed Him to be a tangible force in my life. Something I could feel, see, touch and know without a doubt that it was Him. And finally, I fell into a fitful sleep, immersed in fearful, hopeless dreams. And then I woke up. And the sun was pouring into my room. And I had an awesome day. And it did not come in the form of a lightening bolt or a big hand writing the answer on the wall, or surviving a fiery furnace or spending the night with lions in a den and living to tell about it. No, it was just a quiet peace. A knowing that God was still in control. A hope that regardless of the outcome, it will still be okay because it is the outcome that has been ordained for me since before time began. And as I crawl under my quilt tonight, no storm rages outside the house, or inside my heart. There is still pain and wondering. But I am not shaking. And that is a good start.

The Lord Is My Shepherd 

He Restores My Soul

Tonight, I can only leave you with these words. And as I crawl under my quilt, I will ask my Father to cover me with His peace and love for without Him, I have neither.

Put love first. Entertain thoughts that give life. And when a thought or resentment or hurt or fear comes your way, have another thought that is more powerful – a thought that is love. — Mary Manin Morrissey

Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,
For you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

In His Image 

A Safe Place To Be Real

They say that the computer is the great equalizer. That we can all be what we want to be here. We can look how we want to look. We can say things here that we are afraid to speak aloud in the real world. We can be vulnerable, weak, open and honest. Or perhaps we can be completely dishonest. There are no rules here. We did not sign a document swearing to represent ourselves in completely accurate ways. We did not place our hands on a bible and swear to tell the whole truth. And yet, I feel that more people are honest here in this place then anywhere else in time and space. I sense truth. People speaking freely of their pain. People sharing deeply of their insights and wonderings. We talk about God in a way I wish He was spoken of in churches. Our doubts, and our weak faith. Our anger. Our love. This blog has become for me, an outlet of all that I can not share in my reality. My secret whisperings. My streaming tears. As I crawl under my quilt tonight, I will thank my Father that He knows and loves the real me. That with Him, I do not need the computer to 'equalize' me. I can be open, truthful, vulnerable, doubting, soft, weak. In fact He is the Great Equalizer. We are all lovely in His sight. We are His creation. He made us in His image. He loves us all, deeply, truly. What a wonder. What an awesome reality.

All Winners 

Survivor Palau

Wow...what a sad beginning. I hate seeing anyone singled out, especially because they're different. Poor Wanda. Okay, granted, after one chorus of her song I wanted to gag her but at least let her spend more than 10 minutes on the beach. I get really tired of the 'beautiful' people claiming some kind of divine right to be on top. I wasn't always picked last for the team in school, but I was never picked first (unless I was the captain). I always felt sick to my stomach as it got near the end and the 'misfits' squirmed and shifted from one foot to the other as they tried to look like they couldn't care less. I wanted to scream at the teacher and say, "why don't you just pick two teams you insensitive jock knuckle-head!" Okay, now if you happen to be a jock and are reading this, I am sure that you are not an insensitive jock knuckle-head. However, my gym teacher's all were. That being said (my first real rant on this blog) I enjoyed the first episode and already have my favourites...Ian, Tom, Janu and Caryn. It's liable to change as the season goes on. Anyways, this was just a little reprieve from my usual blog. I know I needed the break and so might any of you who read this. I'm not always blue...I'm just stuck in a blue moment. By nature, I have lots of positive things to talk about. As I crawl under my quilt tonight I will be thankful that God does not line us up and choose teams. He loves us all equally, we are all beautiful in His eyes, and anyone who wants to be on His team is welcome to come on over! Praise God!!

Under His Wings 

He Will Cover You

An article in National Geographic several years ago provided a penetrating picture of God's wings... After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park, forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno's damage. One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree. Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick. When he struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother's wings. The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise. She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies. When the blaze had arrived and the heat had scorched her small body, the mother had remained steadfast. Because she had been willing to die, those under the cover of her wings would live... "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge;..."(Psalm 91:4)

Holding Tightly To God's Hand 

Simply Trusting

Today, we received more really bad news. I wanted to scream and say, "Enough! I've had as much as I can take", but I didn't. Instead I bowed my head and asked the Father to fill me with His presence and I was flooded with peace. The words from Scripture, (Psalm 37:25) "I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread", raced through my mind. And I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God would take care of me and my little family and I did not feel fear. As I crawl under the quilt tonight, I know that the Prince of Lies will be working overtime to overcome my confidence in God's love with thoughts of doubt and anger and distrust. But with the help of the Holy Spirit I will make it through the night and rise up in the morning with a renewed hope and a faith that is unshakeable.

Love...Always A Journey 

In Honour Of Love

It is Valentines Day in Canada and I feel that I must, in some way pay homeage to this contrived card company holiday because regardless of its origins, men, it still for some reason means a lot to most of us women. Even when we say, "it's okay honey, don't worry about it." What we're really saying is, "Even when I say don't worry about it, I would be tickled pink if you surprised me with something special." So, here is my Valentines Day offering, some of my favourite quotes. Enjoy.

"Do you love me because I am beautiful,or am I beautiful because you love me?" Cinderella

"I like not only to be loved, but to be told that I am loved." George Elliot

"All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love." Leo Tolstoy

"I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes." James Joyce

Happy Valentines Day to my blogging friends! I pray that as you crawl under your quilts tonight that you will know love, if not from someone close to you, then from the Creator of all love, God. And that is the best love of all!

Just Hanging Out Together 

The Day When Nothing Got Done

Today was one of those days when you just can't seem to shift into a gear that actually propels you in some kind of forward motion. The plaid pajama pants and the too big t-shirt that I slept in seemed to be the only thing I wanted to wear today. And here I sit, in front of the computer, comfy once more in a cozy housecoat with Everybody Loves Raymond playing on the T.V. like old friends in the background. Other than getting dinner ready and making homemade buns, I accomplished only the bare minimum needed to survive today. My son was perfectly content to play and eat warm buns and cuddle with mommy in front of the T.V. We watched a whole array of strange kiddy programs including one bizarre show called Boo Bah that completely captured his tiny little mind. We played games on the floor, rolling around and pretending to climb mountains. We sang silly little songs that blasted from the CD player like London Bridges Falling Down and Itsy Bitsy Spider and The Teddy Bears Picnic. And then we did nothing again. I feel somewhat guilty, like I should have done some laundry or emptied the dishwasher. Ah, who am I kidding. I thoroughly enjoyed today and I have no guilt whatsoever! As I crawl under my quilt tonight I will thank my Father for giving me the kind of life where I can have a day when I do nothing but have fun with my son and eat fattening food. I'm so fortunate. And I will ask Him to help me accomplish more tomorrow.

Do You Believe In Destiny? 

Destino

Tonight as I write this, my favourite movie of all time is on, Only You. Now I know that it's not a particularly artsy or poignant or important movie, but I have always loved it. It has always made me believe in true love and destiny. Now that I'm older and life has dealt me some particularly harsh blows it is harder to believe in destiny. I feel at times like I'm just careening through time and space with no direction or pattern to follow. Mostly I feel lost. I know of course that this blog is in sharp contrast to last nights blog when I said that I know God has a direction and pattern for my life. And I do believe that to be true. But tonight, life feels random. As I crawl under the quilt tonight, I will ask my Father to forgive me for feeling lost and alone in my journey because I know in my heart that is not true. But I will ask Him to overlook this doubt for tonight and instead fill me with His tender presence and remind me, in the morning, that He has a plan for my life.

Traveling By Faith 

Facing An Unknown Future

I think I've said this already in an earlier blog but I need to remind myself again tonight. "When you're not sure what the future holds, remember, God is already there." That is a huge comfort to me in these days of such uncertainty. I can know, for sure, that whatever the future brings, God will be right in the midst of it. He has promised to walk alongside and never leave me to flounder about on my own.

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Wow, that has to be one of the most encouraging verses in the whole bible! Its such a relief not to have worry and fret. God has it all under control. Now that doesn't mean that I don't have to pray and plan for the future, but it does mean that if I commit it to God and do my best, He will take care of the rest. It also means that if there are still tough days ahead (and I know there are) that God will use them for my good and that somehow I will prosper from those experiences. As I crawl under my quilt tonight, I will thank my Father for His impeccable care of me. I will commit my future to Him and ask Him to give me the "peace that passes all understanding" and just trust that He has a perfect plan for me and that this too is part of the perfecting of my faith.

Help Me To Hear Your Voice

Sin

Sin...its not often what we do that is the problem but that we somehow, in our sin, feel separated from God. Usually, its guilt and shame that makes it hard for us to come to Him when we have messed up. I know that He has forgiven me, even before I ask, but somehow, that just makes it worse. Talk about adding guilt to my guilt! I'm so thankful that Christ's blood has covered all my sin and shame, but I want to have the kind of relationship with God that makes me stop before I sin and consider the consequences instead of carrying on and then seeking forgiveness. I believe that there is always that moment, just before we gossip or lie, or slander or 'watch' something we shouldn't, when we know that it is wrong and we make a conscious decision to carry on any ways. And there in lies the problem. The Holy Spirit prompts us to stop, lets us know that this will 'grieve' Him but many times we hush that still small voice and carry on. As I crawl under my quilt tonight, I will ask my Father to forgive me and help me to be obedient to His voice when I clearly hear Him say, "Don't go there Becky. You are my child and I don't want you to do that."

The Flames Will Not Scorch You 

He Is With Us!

Isaiah 43:2-3 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

I wish the verse read like this, "You will not pass through the waters or through the rivers. You will not walk through the fire and so of course, no flame will scorch you." However, if you take the waters and the rivers and the flames out, there is no need for the part that says, "I will be with you", and "For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." We wouldn't need Him in our lives. I believe that God would rather we draw near to Him when times are good, but by nature, we (I) just don't seem to work that way. And so, I have drawn closer to God because of my current struggles and for that, I will crawl under my quilt tonight and thank Him for each tear that has fallen. And I will walk through the waters and He will be with me, and I will not drown when the rivers overflow me and the fires will not touch me. Thank you Father.

Determined To Survive! 

Pure Determination

This morning, following a very difficult and soul-searching night, I woke up with a new determination to pick myself up off the floor and start living my life again. However, by this evening I'm viewing the carpet close up once more! Why is that? It's so much easier to be positive in the morning than at night! With the day ahead of me, I feel anything is possible. With the day behind, I realize I didn't accomplish what I wanted to. I want to be a positive person 24/7! Is that do-able? I want to take control and move forward and quit looking backwards. But backwards is what I know. There is comfort in that. Forwards is unknown and there is insecurity in that. As I crawl under my quilt tonight I will thank my Father that He is the God of backwards and forwards! I will try to wake up with determination again tomorrow and with His help, will have it as I crawl under my quilt at night!

What Does Your Banner Say? 

In The Midst Of The Battle, Help Me to Stand Lord.

Romans 12:12 - Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

This verse was passed on to me (thank you LJ) and has really challenged me to hang on when I felt like letting go today. I realize that Christ didn't promise an easy life if we followed Him, but He did promise that He will go through the valleys with us and bring us out victorious on the other side. (And that means even if it doesn't go the way we had planned.) The true victory over tribulation lies not in the outcome, but in way we carried our banner of grace, faith, hope and love with us in the midst of the battle. I am afraid I have not always waved those banners high but at times have replaced them with much heavier ones that said fear, discouragement, doubt, anger and self-pity. Tonight, my banners are dragging on the ground a bit and I am in great need of the Father's help in holding them up. Of course the evil one revels in our defeat and loves to knock us down, even when we are already on our knees. I'm so thankful that God is more awesome and able to not only help us with our heavy burdens but has offered to pick them up and carry them all the way to the cross for us if we only would be willing to hand them over to Him in trust. As I crawl under my quilt tonight, I will likely cry myself to sleep at how heavy everything has gotten but I will ask my Father to lift my load and I will try my frail best to have joy, hope and faith in the very center of the storm.

My Angel 

For The Love Of My Son

I have a beautiful son. He is the light of my life and the reason that I still smile. I can't imagine an existence without him. He didn't make an easy entrance into this world, but 30 hours of labour and a C-section later, there he was. He took my breath away! He was so gorgeous, nurses from other areas of the hospital came to look at him. I have often wondered since that day if I would be a good mother. The responsibility of raising a good 'man' weighs heavily on my mind at times and makes me toss and turn at night. I want him to be strong but gentle, smart yet still fun, cautious but adventurous. I want him to be confident and not afraid to go for it! Most of all, I want him to have a life surrounded by love and full of the love of Christ. It's a good thing that I don't have to accomplish all of that on my own. I'm so glad my Father will be helping me along the way. As I crawl under my quilt, I will thank God for my beautiful son and commit his life into God's capable hands.

Stone Silent 

The Cruelty of Indifference

I can deal with anger, harsh words, even unkindness, but I find it so hard to deal with indifference. The recipient of indifference is left hanging, mid-air with nothing to grasp, nothing to hold on to, nowhere to go. There is no appropriate response to indifference, no right words to say. If I could colour it, I would colour it grey. No, I would give it no colour at all, because that is what it is. Nothingness. Blank. Empty. Void of emotion. It is the cruelest response to any situation because it imparts to others, such a feeling of worthlessness. It leaves a vague sense that you don't exist, like you are speaking but no sound is coming out of your mouth. As I crawl under my quilt tonight, I will ask my Father to protect me from indifference, to give me the strength to face it with courage, and to never be guilty of indifference myself. I am so thankful Father you are not indifferent to our suffering, to our prayers, to our crys for help. I am so thankful that you are the opposite of indifference. You are concern, You are care, sympathy, response. You are love! And love is the only answer to indifference.

Building 'Open' Fences 

Setting Boundaries

I've been told I need to learn how to set better boundaries to protect myself. That's hard to do when by nature I'm a very open and accessible person. I do, however, understand the necessity of making sure that people can not walk all over me. How do I do that and still remain true to my character? How do I set boundaries without hurting people or shutting them out? How do I learn to speak what I'm really feeling? I feel a bit daunted by this task but determined to learn. As I crawl under the quilt tonight, I will ask my God to give me the wisdom I need to set boundaries, to help me remain soft and accessible, the way He made me, and to continue to learn and grow as His child.

Tongatapu - My Paradise 

I Dream Of Tonga

I have wanted to go to Tonga for at least 20 years. I'm not sure exactly how I became 'obsessed' with that tiny Island nation but I did. The dream has faded over the past while as the 'realities' of life pushed it to the back of my mind. And then, last night, as if God wanted to remind me to dream again, I met a woman I had never met before who grow up in Tonga! We talked all about her life there and she was surprised at how much I knew about the country. When I left at the end of the evening, I had a little bounce in my step that has been missing as of late. My dream of Tonga had been rekindled and that small flicker of hope that one day I would realize my dreams and laugh again and love again. If anyone knows of anyone who blogs from Tonga, please make sure you pass me on! As I crawl under my quilt tonight I will dream of my 'soul-mates' in Tonga and picture myself strolling along the beach, the warm South Pacific waters lapping around my toes. I will ask the Father to give me a night without worry and instead fill my sleeping mind with beautiful images of my 'happy place'.

Beautiful Moments 

Remember Me

When times are tough it's hard to remember when times were good. It takes a special effort to look at someone who has hurt us, or disappointed us and remember all the things they did that were wonderful, special, true. If we are ever going to be healed, we need to remember the laughter and the love. Satan loves to have us focus on the negative. It fuels him, gives him power over us. They don't call him the father of lies for nothing. He would have us think that things were always bad, always ugly. He loves for us to feel hopeless and helpless to change. Our Heavenly Father is the God of Truth. He wants us to see the good in each other and be full of hope. As I crawl under the quilt tonight, I will listen to the Father of Truth and remember the good. And I'll ask him to give me lovely dreams of happy days and beautiful moments and tears of laughter rather than pain. I will remember the good!

Even Unto Death 

The Stoning Of Stephen

As my small son played in his bath tonight, I opened my bible and continued my journey through the book of Acts. I read the story of Stephen and his great faith and commitment to Christ even to the point of death. I felt honoured to be in his presence as I read his story. I spoke his name out loud hoping that my voice would reach him in heaven. I thanked him for his example to me. (I don't know how doctrinally sound that was, but I did it anyways.) When I was done, I was struck by this thought: How will I be remembered when I am gone? Will I have lived a life that will honour God and be a testimony to others? Will anyone speak my name out loud and testify that I brought glory to the Father? Will God look over at me in heaven and say that I was a good soldier for Him? And then I thought about the battle I am in right now and my hurt and struggles and I wondered how this story will end? Will it please God, the way I fought this fight? Will others say that they saw God's grace through my suffering? That is my prayer. As I crawl under the quilt tonight, I will ask the Father to help me be a bright light for Him and I will thank Him for this struggle if it will in some way glorify Him.