Still Reaching Out In Faith

Wow...you'd think with all the writing I did on my blog before school started, term papers would be a breeze. The words just don't flow as easily when I have to write as when I'm writing because I want to! I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written here, but the papers are taking up my few precious spare moments when baby has finally fallen asleep and I can get some homework done. I've only got 2 major papers left to do and once their done, I can catch up on the reading and start studying for finals.

God is good. I just want to let you know that I still believe that, even within the hustle and bustle of school and the noise and clammer of a 19-month old and the still absent husband. Even when I have days when I've actually wondered if He still loves me, or worse yet, if He even likes me, my faith remains. Not always strong, not always unshaken, but it remains.

I've had a couple of really tough counselling sessions when I have had to come face to face with my idea of God and question His power and purpose in my life. There have been nights of bitter tears and mornings when all seems grey and hopeless. But somehow, within in this sorrow, I still believe. And that is the work of the Holy Spirit. It is He that whispers to me, God is good. God loves you still. God is in control. He hasn't abandoned you. He hasn't forgotten His promises to you. He hasn't turned His back and walked away. And as I get up each morning and face another tough and lonely day, God does walk with me. If He wasn't, I wouldn't be standing.

Love to you all!

The Fleece and the Lamb

Two days ago, I challenged the Lord and laid a fleece before Him. It's not something that I have done very often in my life and I understand the 'dangers' of directing God. However, I felt I was at a cross-roads in my journey and I needed a definite answer from Him on which way I should go. I told Him that this was not the time for subtle clues or hidden answers or the 'just trust Me' speech. I needed an answer and I wanted it by this morning. And so, at 7:45 a.m., He answered me in an undeniable and tangible way. It was so miraculous that I instantly dropped to my knees beside my bed and the tears erupted from my eyes. I only said two words, "Thank You" before I got up and got ready for school.

Two days ago, I faced God squarely and presented to Him a symbol. Beside my bed, on my nightstand, I placed a tiny stuffed 'beanie baby' lamb. I told God that it was going to stay there to remind Him that I am but a little lost lamb, stubborn, sometimes dumb, many times foolish and completely dependent on Him to care for me. I firmly reminded Him of His promise to me in Isaiah 40:11 "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." There were moments of anger as I laid out my expectations before Him, moments of fear as I challenged Him, moments of sorrow as I laid my head in His lap and cried.

I love my Lord with all my heart and I know that He loves me with all of His. But there are times in every relationship when you just need to speak out loud what's on your heart. You need to be bold and say, "Hey! Don't forget your promises to me!" And there are times when you need to hear direct answers to direct questions. And God, in His incredible mercy, looked down at me, the tiny ant shaking my fist up at Him, and He smiled that loving, knowing smile of a parent and He gathered me to His chest and He hugged me tightly and said, "Okay daughter. Okay."