Mighty Is He 

Finding God At The Beach

Today I went to the beach. I decided it was time to go to the place where I am most at peace with myself, God and my life...the ocean. There is something profoundly comforting in the constancy of the tides and the smell of the salt water and the feel of the ocean breeze on my face. It reminds me that God is like the ocean, always present, constant and mighty, deep and unfathomable yet soothing and gentle as it washes against my feet. I have always found my peace there. I feel incredibly small next to the vastness of the sea and yet somehow stronger and more sturdy as I stand in its presence. I love the ocean and everything in it. I love God and everything he is. I have a healthy fear and respect of the ocean. I have a trusting fear and respect of the awesome power that is my Father. As I crawl under my quilt tonight I will remember the ocean and God and will fall asleep confident in knowing that He who can control the mighty waves and the endless tides can control the waves of life that are crashing around me and I will find my peace in Him.

The Dolphins 

Tired

So tired. Tonight I want to slip away into blissful slumber and dream of beautiful places where trouble is the name of a dog and hurt only happens when children scrape their knees. I want to float, weightless on the wings of butterflies and swim in a bay where dolphins play. Father, be the God of peace and hope and comfort tonight. Be butterflies and dolphins. You say that we can hide in you. I hide in you tonight and thank you for being all I need. Thank you for being love and life to me. Thank you that you know when we scrape our knees.

Solitary 

Missing You

Missing your smile, pillow talking, late night snacking, spooning, watching movies, playing cards, doing puzzles, cracking jokes, word games, coupon shopping, PS2. Miss you. XO

Life Just Unfolding 

The Sweet Smell Of Promise

Today I was on the campus of my alma matre. I stood for a moment outside in front of the Student Center and just took in the energy of promise, hope and bright futures that hustled towards classes and professors. I was envious of them. Their future so bright, so positive, so possible. There was a kind of tangible curtain of energy that surrounded the place and I felt my skin prickle to it. I took a deep breath and sucked in that sweet smell of promise, hoping it would somehow change me, make me younger and give me a fresh start. Oh, how I would do things differently! Suddenly, the words to a U2 song drifted out of an open door and I caught the last line, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for." How appropriate. That's exactly what I was feeling. I thought, when I was University that I knew exactly what I wanted and who I was. Now I realize I knew nothing and I'm still reaching to become everything I should/could be. And so tonight, I'll crawl under my quilt and I'll remember what it was like to believe and I'll ask the Father to show me what His purpose is for me and I'll drift off to sleep with that sweet smell of promise still lingering in my mind.

My Dream Encounter - The Mola Mola 

Just Wanna Be Myself

Sometimes, you've got to just put aside the stresses of life and chill. That's how I feel tonight. I just want to forget and be me again. Me...funny, loving, wise-cracking, cooking, melodramatic, guilt-ridden, reality show lovin', baby hugging, ocean fanatic, red wine drinking, chocolate craving, Mel Gibson obsessing, action flick watching, gal! And so I'll crawl under my quilt tonight and let my dog crawl under with me and I'll watch T.V. until I get sleepy and I won't worry, think, cry, wonder, ask. I'll just trust and fall asleep.

Asleep In The Cool Healing Waters 

Why?

It's a fair question when faced with what seems to be a very unfair situation. It's hard to know why God allows me to hurt when He says He loves me so much. It's hard to know why He doesn't fix things when I know He has the power. And so, like millions before me, I ask God, why? I know the answer of course. He is saying, "I know why and that's all you need to know. Trust my plan for your life." But to be perfectly honest, that just doesn't feel like enough of an answer some days. I feel like telling Him, "Easy for you to say God, you already know the answer!" Does He remember how frail we are? He did make us after all. He must know that we are weak and need reassurance and extra grace and encouragement and help. Does He forget that we are made of clay and spit and can crumble and fall apart? I know that I will be stronger in the end, I know that this will draw me closer to God and I know I will survive. I get it. I get the story about the refiner's fire. But it hurts to be forged in the fire! It burns and it blisters and it hurts! So tonight I will crawl under the covers, burning, and ask God why and hopefully, will feel the cool touch of His hand and the cold healing waters and wake up hurting less than when I went to bed.

God's Perfect Promises 

Broken Promises

Tonight I feel angry about broken promises. "I promise..." The words slide off the tongue so easily. Such powerful words. They can make you believe, they can fill you with hope, they have the potential to destroy you. Through all of this, I have a new resolve to be careful about saying those words unless I mean it. No loop holes, no exceptions, no ifs, ands, or buts! If I can't mean it, I will never say it again. I'm so thankful that God's promises to us are 100% reliable. I'm so grateful that He never fails us. I'm so happy that I can trust His promises to hold true. "Thank you Father for not breaking your promises to me. Help me to never break my promises to others. Help me to seek forgiveness where I have let others down. I will only say those two words if I really mean them. I promise! "

Women Of The Congo 

So Blessed

Today I heard about the women in the Congo and the horrors of rape and murder that they face on a daily basis. It really made my stop and think about my life here in Canada and how blessed I am to live in such freedom and safety. No matter how hard life is for me right now, it's much easier then the life those women must endure. I don't know why God allowed me to be born into such a fortunate life. I feel that I have a responsibility to live it to the best of my ability and not squander it away on self-pity and missed opportunities. When I crawl into my king-sized bed and pull up my feather duvet and lay my head on my downy-soft pillows I will say a prayer for those women and probably feel ashamed of what I have in comparison. "Lord, help me to live my life in such a way that it somehow honors those suffering women and You. Amen"

Silent And Alone 

The Silent Day

Today was a silent day. Not silent as in 'no noise' but silent as in 'not the noise I long for'. I wasn't alone, yet I was terribly lonely. Sunday's are the hardest day of the week for me right now. Perhaps because it was once the day most likely to be filled with the sounds I love...laughter at a hockey game, a good movie on T.V., bacon and eggs frying in the kitchen, seagulls at the beach, the purr of the car engine on those lovely Sunday drives. Today I heard none of those sounds. And so tonight I'll ask my Father to fill my ears with the sound of His voice, to whisper to me words that are comforting and gentle. He has promised to be with me through the night and ultimately it is the sound of my heart beating in time with His that will give me what I need to carry on. But today was a silent day and I long for the noises that I love.

My Life In His Hands 

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

I read somewhere recently, "When you're worried about the future, remember, God is already there!" That quote must dance through my mind at least twenty times a day. God is already there! Those four words lift such a burden off my shoulders. Those four words fill me with such peace. Those four words give me such hope. No matter what the future holds, God knows about it, has planned for it and is ready to give me whatever I need to make it through. He's there with His strength, His love, His grace and His mercy. Nothing takes Him by surprise. Nothing messes up His plan for my life. Nothing is too great for Him to handle. He is strong enough to give us the strength we need, gracious enough to give us grace and loves us enough so that we can love in return. I'm so glad that God has my future firmly held in His hands.

A time to laugh 

Tonight I Laughed

You may think that laughing is not something monumentous enough to deserve it's own blog entry. However, when you can't actually remember the last time you enjoyed a laugh with friends, a giggle with the girls, it's definitely something to celebrate. And not only did I laugh...but I did not cry. And that also is significant in my life right now. A whole evening without tears! And not only did I laugh and not cry, but I was so busy getting ready for my little get-together, that I forgot to think...about the hurt! I forgot to worry...about the future! I forgot to be angry and blame. I forgot the confusion, the sorrow, the questions. I forgot it all and that filled me with hope that life would one day, be normal again. Maybe it will be a new kind of normal, but normal nonetheless. And now I know that what I felt in my deepest moments of despair is not true...I will laugh again!

I Forgive 

Feeling Forgiveness

Someone said to me today, "I'm sorry for hurting you.". I said, "I forgive you." I still feel the hurt. The feelings that come with "I forgive you" have yet to make their way to my heart. I know that God calls us to forgive and I know He forgives us in a complete and eternal way. I want to forgive others as He forgives me:

Psalm 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far hath He removed our sins from us.
Hebrews 10:17 And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more.

"Lord, help me to extend forgiveness, not just by my words, but in my spirit. Please renew my mind and heal the hurt. Let me love again with an unblemished love. Help me to remember how great my sins were towards You and how completely you have forgiven me. Fill me to overflowing with love, with hope, with peace, and with true forgiveness!"

Beauty Beneath The Sea

I'd Rather Be Diving

I feel the urge to submerge! That was a favourite saying in my dive community a few years ago. I haven't done a dive since my honeymoon in Cozumel and I am definitely missing that beautiful peaceful feeling I get when I descend beneath the surface and become an aqua-naut. If you're reading this and you have never tried scuba diving I urge you to give it a chance. It is a magical world; a wild, untamed place. People often ask me if I'm afraid down there...of drowning, of sharks, of running out of air. To be honest, no I'm not. I do however have a healthy respect for the seriousness of the sport and the fact that I could essentially be 'playing' on someone else's dinner table. Some people have asked my if it is silent beneath the waves. No, it is anything but silent. There are sounds all around you, from the bubbles escaping from your regulator, to the beating of your own heart, to the rise and fall of your lungs and to a myriad of clicks and smacks and swishes that come from the inhabitants of inner space. I often try and explain to people what it's like to be under the ocean but words always fail me. It's haunting yet comforting, peaceful yet stormy and wild, huge yet microscopic, beautiful yet frightening. When I look at my gauge and it tells me that I'm getting low on air and I have to return to the surface, I am always sad to leave, always wishing that I could stay down there for days, maybe weeks, maybe much longer. I just can never get my fill of that mysterious, glorious, wondrous place.

My Earthly Hero

I Will Never Leave Thee

There is an amazing story about a woman named Darlene Rose who was interned in a Japanese prison camp during WWII. She was a young missionary, just 20 years old when her and her husband were captured by the Japanese army. She spent 3 years enduring torture, starvation, and solitary confinement. Her husband was taken to a different camp and died before she ever saw him again. When asked about her experience during those incredibly difficult days she said, "I have no regrets. It was a way to know God in a deeper way. He was always there." She has become my 'earthly' hero and the words of her testimony which I ordered on the Internet ring in my ears on a daily basis. She never questioned God's purpose in all her suffering and instead learned to love her captors and led many to a faith in Christ. There is an amazing quote that has become my song during this difficult time that I want to share:

"There is a peace that comes after sorrow, of hope surrendered, not of hope fulfilled.
Peace that looks not upon tomorrow, but calmly on a tempest that is stilled.
It's a peace that lives not now in joyous successes, nor in the happy life of love secure,
but in the unerring strength the heart possesses from conflicts won while learning to endure.
It is a peace that is in sacrifice secluded, a life subdued from will and passion free.
Tis not the peace that over Eden brooded, but that which triumphed in Gethsemane."
~ Darlene Rose - I Will Never Leave Thee

He Stilled The Storm To A Whisper 

Calm In The Eye Of The Storm

I didn't quite have the courage to feel joy today, but I did feel an inexplicable calm in the eye of the storm. It felt kind of like when you haven't got the strength to fight any more and you just give up and feel relief ...even peaceful somehow. I can't say the sadness is gone, nor the fear, but I do feel that God is in control. I feel resigned to His plan. That doesn't sound very victorious or conquering, but it's where I feel God wants me. He wants me to realize that I have nothing to bring to the table, that I can do nothing on my own steam, that it is 100% all Him. And that's how I feel right now. Helpless, powerless, vulnerable. He should be able to do some of His best work with me!

Blue Lady 

Singing The Blues

Tonight I end the day with a couple of quotes. It's been a hard day...a sad day. This is all I can enter:

"We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in darkness. By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness." ~ David Weatherford

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it." ~ Helen Keller

Tomorrow is another day. May I find the courage to experience joy! Good night.

Going on because
Problems will be solved,
Mountains will be dissolved.
Ways will open up
In directions unthought of,
Through circumstances
not humanly dreamed of.
Consequently, I bow before God in FAITH.

This is the first part to a poem my father wrote not long after he suffered a serious head injury that has left him disabled for the rest of his life. He is a man of great faith and throughout his ordeal; his faith in Gods love and divine purpose for his life has never, ever wavered. I want to be thought of as a women of faith. I want others to look at me throughout my own ordeal and see Gods grace and power at work in my life. There is great responsibility that comes with suffering when you are a child of God. Others are watching and we need to show them that having Christ in our lives makes a difference. And that faith is something worth having.

Stormy Night 

Angry

Anger...an emotion I try to avoid. However, I feel it often as I'm sure most do. I feel angry when I watch the news and hear about an injustice. I feel angry when a reckless driver endangers me and my small son. I feel angry at myself when I fail or make mistakes. But most of that anger is internalized...seldom seen or heard. Tonight I feel a different kind of anger. I feel angry at God and angry at the one who has caused such hurt in my life. It's an ugly emotion. It doesn't make me feel good to feel this way. I don't feel better for having admitted my anger. I don't feel pleased that I was able to express it. I just feel angry. So I'll crawl under the quilt tonight and I'll ask God to forgive me for my anger and heal the hurt and give me the strength I need to make it through another night and another day. I'll ask Him to fill me again with love and grace and to help me stand against the author of all anger and negativity. I'll ask Him to guard my mind and direct my thoughts in ways that are pleasing to Him. But I'm not under the quilt yet, so for a few more minutes, I'll just feel angry!

The Nearness Of God

Never Alone

Ps. 34:7 ~ The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.
Hebrews 1:14 ~ Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?

Nights are by far the hardest for me in this time of sadness and uncertainty. I've often asked God to give me just a quick glimpse of those that are encamped around me. "Just once Father, let me know without a doubt that you are really with me, not just in Spirit but physically present." It's never happened. My Mother, during a very traumatic time in her life, awoke to see a man sitting at the end of her bed. She wasn't afraid but felt a strange sense of peace and calmly went back to sleep. My Grandmother experienced something similar just after my Grandfather died. I wonder why I can't see an angel? Perhaps I haven't learned to trust Him fully, the way He wants me to. Perhaps my "Faith without sight" needs to be sharpened. Perhaps I will never 'see' the physical presence of God until I reach heaven. But when I'm alone at night and the darkness seems vast and lonely all around me, I just wish I could feel the brush of an Angel's hand on mine, feel a warm arm around my shoulder.

Love Believes All Things 

True Love

It's one of the most quoted passages of the bible...but how willing am I to completely follow what it says.

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love NEVER ENDS!

Wow...That's tough to do, especially when things have not gone like I planned. But all of this is a choice I must make based on commitment which is lasting, not on feelings which are fleeting. And so I choose to obey Christ and to hope and believe and endure. I choose to love with kindness and patience. I choose to wait for God's answer and until then...love with all my heart and with everything I have.

Teach Me Lord To Wait 

Divine Timing

Lord, give me patience...and give it to me now! It's so hard to wait for God to answer our prayers, so difficult to understand why He doesn't clear up the uncertainty quickly. I mean, we know He has the power to make anything happen so why can't He make this happen for me right away? I've come to realize that the lesson from God is often not the thing we're going through itself, but the trust and patience we must learn while waiting on God to answer our prayers. He really wants us to have faith in His divine timing. And so tonight, I'll ask Him again to give me the strength and the courage I need to make it through another night without knowing the answers that I seek.

Please Forgive Me 

Learning to say sorry...

It's tough to admit when you're wrong. And even tougher to admit it to the person you've wronged. However, there is something so cleansing, so freeing about saying, "I'm sorry." You would think it would make you feel powerless, vulnerable but for me it has the opposite effect. I feel more in control and stronger when I have the courage to admit my failings and say I'm sorry. Now to learn from that and not commit the same transgression again...that's the truly difficult part. Admitting and apologizing is the best way to begin changing and so I hope this is a day of growth and permanent change for me. Have an awesome Wednesday!

Getting Rid Of The Baggage 

Let Go...Let God

It's so tough to let go...so hard to not have control. I've been trying so hard to 'fix' things and quite frankly, I'm exhausted by my efforts. And so last night, I decided it was time to let it all go. Instead of praying a prayer of panic and requests for how I think things should be done, I packed everything up in a suitcase and carried it to the foot of the cross. Getting there wasn't so tough but laying that suitcase down was incredibly difficult. I returned a number of times before I fell asleep to try and pick it up again but with The Father's help I turned my back and walked away. And I did not return today! I feel lighter, more at peace today than I have in months. If you have burdens that are just too heavy to bear, if you have tried everything else and nothing is working, try taking your baggage to the cross and experience the freedom that comes with letting go and letting God! Have an awesome sleep!

A Light In The Mist 

A Glorious New Day

The sun is up and the tears of yesterday are but a memory. I once heard a wonderful quote that went, "Never doubt in the dark, what you know in the light." In the light, I know that there is hope, that there is peace when I trade my fear for trust, that I am a good person, that I am loved. Remembering those things when you are lost in the darkness is not easy. That's why I'm so thankful for the new day. With a baby boy, I am often up when the sun rises. It's the most wonderful, hopeful time of day for me! I pray that this day I will find ways to look beyond my own circumstances and be a sunrise of hope for someone else!

He Hides Me In The Cleft Of A Rock