Not Letting Go 

Hanging On

Things are a bit tough right now. My faith is holding but my spirit is low and I feel a bit beaten up emotionally. Please continue to pray that God will reveal His will to me. I need clarity as I am faced with life-changing decisions. I am praying for the Father's wisdom in all I say and do. Above all else, I want to do the right thing. The world would tell me to give up, but my heart continues to say hold on. I feel the Father telling me that He wants to do the impossible! So, I'm hanging on...but just barely. Thanks all for your friendship and if you feel led, please pray that God would set my feet in the right direction over the next few days! Hugs and love to you all.

Psalm 31:9
Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. 

Finding My Way Through Dreamworld 

Does God Still Speak Through Dreams?

I had a dream last night that I was standing in front of a huge crowd, a stadium full of strangers. I was telling my story. Someone said to me, "You must tell your story. It's how we turn our suffering into good." I remember standing there, looking out at the sea of faces and feeling nervous, wondering why I was there and what did I have to say. When I awoke, I felt sure that God was telling my that my story will be used to encourage others.

I'm not sure how I feel about dreams. I don't know if they are just a compilation of thoughts and experiences and worries all reconfigured into stories. I don't know if they speak of our inner thoughts and wonderings. I'm not sure if they can be words from God. I think that biblically, the later can certainly be true. Does it happen to me? That I'm not certain about.

A couple of weeks ago, I was lying down in the afternoon waiting for my son to fall asleep. I was wide awake, but my eyes were closed and my mind was just flitting about, landing on random thoughts. Suddenly, the faces of 5 men flashed one at a time in my minds eye. They were brilliant, glowing, peaceful and powerful looking. My eyes flew open and I sat there a bit stunned for a moment. I had the certain knowledge that they were the Angels that were with me during this difficult time. I dismissed the thought immediately and thought I had imagined the whole thing. Later when I told a friend, she was convinced in her spirit that God had given me this glimpse to tell me I was not alone.

It's an area of spirituality that I have always shied away from. Does that mean it doesn't exist? Of course not. Am I ready to experience this side of my faith? I'm not sure. But I want to be open and willing.

As I crawl under my quilt tonight, I will ask my Father to open my spirit, heart and mind to experience the fullness of Him and all He would have me experience as His child. I don't want to miss out on something amazing just because it is not how I was brought up and is foreign to me. I am an empty vessel Lord, fill me up!

"And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions. Joel 2:28

 

There's Joy In The Morning

I started my day with tears, following a phone conversation with my husband. As I reflected later on what had transpired, the thought that "Joy comes in the morning" flitted across my mind and I snorted a sarcastic laugh. "where's my joy in the morning," I questioned? And as clear as a bell, as if you and I were having this conversation, the voice of my Father said, "I promised to be your Joy in the morning, I didn't promise your husband or your life would be." It felt like a slap. I sat up straight in my chair and choked back a sorry tear. Of course! The Joy of the Lord is my strength! When all about me is sadness and struggle, the fact that I can still find Joy in the Lord is where I draw my strength from. It's my secret weapon! I've always taken that verse to mean that in the morning, my troubles will be gone. For me, it means that even if I rise to a grey, misty morning shrouded in hardship and pain, I can still have Joy because of Jesus and the sun will be shining and all will be well with my soul! When I slip under my quilt tonight, I will ask my Father to prepare me for the morning, filling me with wisdom and understanding so I can know that no matter what, I have joy in Him. I will ask Him to help me rise with strength and power through the working of the Holy Spirit in my heart. I will ask Him to fill me from head to toe with His joy.

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but joy comes in the morning. ~ Psalm 30:5

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. ~ Psalm 143:8

It Takes Time To Turn The Titanic Around 

It Takes A Little Time

My Saturday song:

It Takes A Little Time

Amy Grant

It takes a little time sometimes

To get your feet back on the ground

It takes a little time sometimes

To get the Titanic turned back around

It takes a little time sometimes

But baby you’re not going down

It takes more than you’ve got right now

Give it time

What’s this walking thru’ my door

I know I’ve seen the look before

Sometimes in faces on the street

Sometimes in the mirror looking back at me

You can’t fix this pain with money

You can’t rush a weary soul

You can’t sweep it under the rug, now honey

It don’t take a lot to know

Now it may not be over by morning

But Rome wasn’t built in a day

You can name this thing a thousand times

But it won’t make it go away

Let me put my arms around you

And hold you while you weep

We’ve been talking and talking

I’m sick of this talk

And it’s nothing that won’t keep

No you can’t fix this pain with money

You can’t rush a weary soul

You can’t sweep it under the rug now honey

It don’t take a lot to know

Setting My Spirit Free On The Wings Of Joy! 

Unexplainable Joy

After 2 days of adversity and pain I am compelled to tell you all that nothing is impossible with God! Even though life continues to throw curve balls my way, I am filled to overflowing with hope in Christ! He has reached into the very core of my being and filled me with unexplainable joy! We must believe that the only thing that limits our possibilities is us! Because with God not even the sky is the limit! His resources to us our boundless, limitless! His love for us knows no end. There are no fences, there are no borders, there is nothing that can hold us back from receiving what God longs to give us if we just rest in His promises and believe in His Word! Oh how Satan longs for us to believe that it is too hard, too painful, too much to bear. We can't endure, we can't survive, we have no power. We are defeated! But God, our dear and wondrous Father whispers quietly, confidently that we have won! He doesn't shout it! He doesn't scream it out to us. He says in a hushed and peaceful voice, that He has done it for me. Oh the wonder of it! To know I have already won! Oh the tranquility! To know I can rest and not struggle and try and fight! Oh the joy that spreads throughout my body, lifting the sad corners of my mouth and bringing about a smile in the midst of suffering. Oh the simple trust. To know that He is able. Oh how lovely to have Jesus! Oh...oh...oh how thankful I feel at this moment. Ohhhh, how unworthy. Oh I love Him so.

In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. ~ Psalm 33:21

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD ~ Psalm 40:3

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~ Romans 15:13

 

My Lord Knows The Way Through The Wilderness

At times, I must seem to you to have a split personality. I can write of such faith and courage in the midst of this adversity and then, like today I must tell you I feel like giving up. Abandon ship! Save yourself! Go the way of the world and look out for number one! There is a voice that whispers, "It's time to stop. You've done all you can and more. Others would have given up long ago. You deserve better. This is not what you signed up for!" I know of course, the maestro of those thoughts. I know the song of defeat he seeks to orchestrate. I know the puppeteer well. He knows which string to pull to make my head turn to the side, to bend me over, to twist me, to buckle my legs. I understand the ways of the magician. He shows me one thing but secretly has another thing hidden in the folds of his cloak. He weaves illusion and deception in and out of my thoughts. He is the master of trickery. I know, I know.

And then, just like that, just when I feel hopelessness seeping into me like water on the shore seeps into the thirsty sands, I hear my Master speaking to me. He tells me that I am not of this world. I have been called to a higher purpose. It is not all about me. I have convictions, values, principles, beliefs and the Word of Truth that speaks to me a completely different message. "Do not give up. Keep believing. The way of Christ is not the easy way, but it is the only way that will bring you true peace and joy and happiness. Hold on to your vows, your promises. Love the way Christ loves...without selfishness, without pride, without fear, without end! Hang in there Becky. Wait. Be still. Don't struggle and manipulate and thrash about and toil. Be still and know that I am God. I am at work. I have a plan."

And now, the despair and the hopelessness dissipate. The peace washes over me. The relief that I don't have to make this happen surges through my bones and refreshes me like an icy cool drink on a hot summer day.

There is a sunday school song that keeps running through my head today. It goes like this:

My Lord knows the way through the wilderness

All I have to do is follow.

My Lord knows the way through the wilderness

All I have to do is follow.

Strength for today, is mine all the way

And all that I need for tomorrow.

My Lord knows the way through the wilderness

All I have to do is follow.

Don't Curse Over Spilled Milk 

Sweat The Small Stuff

I'm sure many of you have heard of or even read the book, "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff". It's a good book and the message is helpful. However, my Father has impressed upon me today that I need to sweat a bit more about the 'small stuff' in my life. I hear Him clearly saying to me that I need to change my attitude about the little bumps in the road, the hiccups, the inconveniences. The other day, I wrote about grace under pressure. For me, it's easier to appear faithful and trusting and show grace when faced with a big problem. However, the true test of my character comes when I spill the milk when trying to fill a bottle, or when the dog starts barking at something outside and wakes up the baby, or when I don't get enough sleep. My usual reaction is to get angry, stomp around a bit, complain out loud, yell at the dog, and sometimes even blame God for not helping me with the little things that make life more troublesome. These are the small things that I need to sweat a bit more about. I want to have a Christ-like response to the tiny annoyances in my day. I want to behave like Christ is standing right next to me when that milk hits the floor. How would I act if He were physically standing next to me? Would I shout, would I curse, would I stomp? I doubt it. And yet, He is right there and I forget about His presence and I forget about His example and I ignore His voice. To be a woman of grace when no one is watching. To be a woman of patience when no one sees. To be a woman of Godly character in private. This is my lesson. This is part of this 'expedition' towards a positive, faithful, graceful life. As I crawl under my quilt tonight, I will sweat some of the small stuff in my life and ask Christ to help me make a change. I love Him and I want to offer up to Him the best that I have. And I want to remember that He is present, He is watching, He is listening. And I will thank God, He is loving me still!

Enjoying The Sunrise With The King 

Already Watching The Sunrise!

It's difficult, in the midst of the storm, in the dark of the night, not to long for the peaceful dawn of a better day. I truly believe that there is something wonderful waiting for me on the other side of this sorrow and I'm anxious to know what it is! My eyes are constantly scanning the horizon in hope of catching the first rays of healing and rescue. Will it be today? Will this be the day I see God's hand at work in my life? Is today my miracle day? And then I stop short and realize that every day of this struggle I have seen the first rays of healing and rescue. Every day I already see God's hand at work. Every day is already my miracle day. God has promised that He is already at work in this to perfect my faith and use this present struggle for my gain.

And He promises that I will be victorious and not defeated!

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." 2 Cor. 4:8,9

And then He promises to be with me in the darkness, in the storm:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

And He promises to give me everything I need to make it through:

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

So my dawning has already come, my miracle is here, the first rays of healing and rescue are already spilling across my face as I look into the sunrise of my life and anticipate what the day will bring. And I will crawl under my quilt and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that there is no darkness in Jesus, that the light lives within my very soul and nothing can dim it or snuff it out. In Jesus, we live in the sunrise and there is always peace no matter the storm that rages about us.

The Interview

Gayla, over at Journey Of The Heart interviewed me and here are her questions and my answers.

1. What's your favorite holiday tradition & what meaning does it have for you?

~ My favorite holiday tradition happens at every celebration. As a family, we take turns hosting the major events (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter). Whoever hosts, makes placecards for everyone at the table. However, they are rarely cards. We've decorated candles & put everyone's name on their own personal candle, we've carved mini pumpkins, we've written on fall leaves and carved on wood. Every holiday meal seems to get more and more creative. My nieces and nephew love to participate and it's always a blast to arrive at the host house and see how the table is decorated. As far as meaning...I just love the creativity and the effort we all go through to make our times together special and memorable. When I see the table decorated and look at my little hand-made placecard, I see love and family.

2. If you could change one thing about your personality, how would you be different?

~ That's an easy one. I'd be more patient! I hate to be late, hate to wait and get very irritated at things that move slowly. "Give me patience Lord, but hurry!" is a favorite quote of mine.

3. If you won a million dollars in the lottery, how would you spend it?

~ I've practiced this answer many, many times. Of course there would be the practical stuff that I won't bore you with like giving some to family and charity and paying off the bills. Then, I'd head for the South Pacific, find a hut and scuba dive for about a year. After I came up for air, I'd probably head home and start a business. A million bucks doesn't go very far these days.

4. What brings a tear to your eye?

~ Just about everything these days! But mostly, when I think about how much I love my son.

5. If God decided to visit the planet right now, what do you think He would say or do?

~ I still love you! Then He'd open His arms wide and hug us all as He wiped away a tear that ran down His cheek.

Safe In The Arms Of Jesus

Before & After

Tossed by the wave
Lost in the desert
Struggling up the mountain
Stumbling through the dark valley
Stuck in sinking sand
Paralyzed by fear
Bogged down with worry
Crippled by discouragement
Grasping for hope

And then I called on the name of Jesus and I am ...

Safe in the lifeboat
Drinking at the Oasis
Standing on the mountain top
Holding a candle in the darkness
Grasping an outstretched hand
Released from fear
Anxious about nothing
Infused with encouragement
Saturated in hope!

As I crawl under my quilt I will thank my Father for the gift of Christ and what a difference He has made in my life!

Soooo sleepy!

Grace Under Pressure

I haven't slept in two nights. Baby has a cold. I felt angry and frustrated this morning and said stupid things like, "why can't I ever get a break?" and, "The whole universe is working against me right now!" And then the words 'Grace under pressure' flew across my exhausted brain. I've never been good at going without sleep. It always brings out the worst in me. I remember as a teenager going to a ski resort for the weekend with friends. They'd be up til dawn playing board games, laughing loudly, running around...and there I'd be, wrapped up in my sleeping bag with my pillow over my head, fuming and muttering about not getting enough sleep. I need sleep. About nine hours please! And here I am, I haven't slept in a year! I'm pretty cranky by this stage. And through it all, I have prayed and asked my Father to grant me just one good nights sleep. To no avail. As a matter of fact it seems as if when I ask Him for a good night, it is the worst night ever! I just don't get it. Okay, maybe I do. Maybe God is teaching me to persevere, hold up under stress & pressure, be exhausted but keep smiling and find a good attitude along the way. Be a woman of strength and grace Becky! "His grace is sufficient to supply all your needs according to His riches in Glory." And once again I am reminded that this too, these sleepless nights and long lonely days will be used for my good. As I crawl under my quilt for a nap this afternoon, I will ask God to supply my needs and if He can't give me sleep, grant me the grace and strength I need to get through my day with a positive attitude, a luminous face, and peace in my heart that He alone knows what I need.

Forging My Faith

Have Faith Little One

Over and over again this week, I am struck with the idea that my life, as it is right now, in this awful moment, in this sorrow, in this pain, I am blessed beyond my understanding. God is calling me. He is drawing me to Himself in a way that ease and comfort and joy and success have never been able to draw me. I know, in my hurting soul that I am meant to know God like I have never known Him before. I am to finally understand that I may never know why. It has always been my greatest struggle in my faith, wanting to know why God has allowed pain. Why wasn't He there? Why didn't He rescue? Why didn't He restore? Why didn't He steady the foot, stop the car, close the door, interrupt, help, save? Why...why...why? And His voice is saying to me this week, "You don't need to know why. You need to believe and trust that I have a plan that is right and good. I hold the universe in My hand and I hold your life with equal strength and care and power. I have it planned down to the minute, down to the second, to the smallest detail. You must have faith little one. I will use it all for your good. I promise. I PROMISE." And He is telling me that nothing will render me refined, polished, golden and pure as much as the fire. If I can withstand and endure, there is something beautiful waiting for me on the other side of this sorrow. On the other side of all the sorrows of my life. As I crawl under my quilt tonight, I will stop asking why and instead, ready myself for more refining and more polishing because ultimately, I want to shine for Him as purest gold!

Happy Birthday To Me!

Where Did The Year Go?

My sweet little baby, who it seems just yesterday was 6 lbs. and lying in my arms for the first time, is now 1 years old as of yesterday. How can this be? Where did the year go? So much has happened since he came into my life, good and bad. But tonight, I want to celebrate the wonder of who he is. My son...always smiling, laughing easily at family and strangers. He is walking as of Friday and he seems to learn something new and wondrous every day. He nods his head yes in slow motion, like he is bowing. It cracks me up everytime. He gives me a 'high five' and then claps for himself as if he is so impressed with his clever trick. He gives me big, open mouth kisses that always make us both break out laughing. I sing him Itsy Bitsy Spider and he claps when I say, "give mommy a big hand." When I say 'thank you', he says, "ta too". He reminds me every day that God still loves me. As I crawl under my quilt tonight, I will not think about the hardship. I will not let the tears of sorrow fall. Instead, I will thank my Lord for my amazing son and then hand him back to Jesus!

Hope itself is like a star--not to be seen in the sunshine of prosperity, and only to be discovered in the night of adversity.

Why Are You Contending With Me?

Every morning, when I turn on my computer, I am given a devotional called, "Streams In The Desert." I would encourage anyone, who is going through a difficult time (or who just wants to be inspired) to subscribe to this devotional. Not a day has gone by that I have not been blessed and encouraged by it. Today's entry is especially profound and must be read more than once to grasp the awesome truth of it. The English is a bit difficult, but please, slog through it a couple of times and be encouraged by the amazing reality of what it says.

"Show me wherefore thou contendest with me" (Job 10:2).

Perhaps, O tried soul, the Lord is doing this to develop thy graces. There are some of thy graces which would never have been discovered if it were not for the trials. Dost thou not know that thy faith never looks so grand in summer weather as it does in winter? Love is too oft like a glowworm, showing but little light except it be in the midst of surrounding darkness. Hope itself is like a star--not to be seen in the sunshine of prosperity, and only to be discovered in the night of adversity. Afflictions are often the black folds in which God doth set the jewels of His children's graces, to make them shine the better.

It was but a little while ago that, on thy knees, thou wast saying, "Lord, I fear I have no faith: let me know that I have faith." Was not this really, though perhaps unconsciously, praying for trials?--for how canst thou know that thou hast faith until thy faith is exercised? Depend upon it. God often sends us trials that our graces may be discovered, and that we may be certified of their existence. Besides, it is not merely discovery; real growth in grace is the result of sanctified trials.

God trains His soldiers, not in tents of ease and luxury, but by turning them out and using them to forced marches and hard service. He makes them ford through streams, and swim through rivers and climb mountains, and walk many a weary mile with heavy knapsacks on their backs. Well, Christian, may not this account for the troubles through which you are passing? Is not this the reason why He is contending with you? ~ By C.H. Spurgeon

To be left unmolested by Satan is no evidence of blessing.

One more thought: "If the enemy can dislodge us from our position, then he seeks to "wear us out" (Daniel 7:25) by a prolonged siege, so that at last we, out of sheer weakness, let go the cry of victory."

Here is the link to receive this daily devotional: http://www.backtothebible.org/devotions/classics/streams

He Is Our Strength

His Strength Is Made Perfect In Weakness

"Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong" (2 Cor. 12:10).

In other words ~ "So, I will find satisfaction, contentment, joy and even bliss in my weakness, my accusations, my obligations, my harassment, my anguish and grief for the cause of Christ: for when I have nothing left to give, when I am emptied out and completely without strength, that is when I truly have it all."

It's a bit of a hard concept to grasp...when I have nothing left, I have everything I need. I believe it's because that is when Christ can step in and truly work in us and through us and for us. When I quit dipping into my own limited resources and tap into His endless supply I will find peace, hope, fulfillment and all the strength I could ever possibly need to get through this current struggle. As I crawl under my quilt tonight, I will ask my Lord to empty me out of whatever it is I am using to power myself and fill me up with His presence and might. I will ask Him to help me give it all to Him and then trust Him to steer me in the storm, down the rough and tumble trail, over the mountains and through the valleys, across the wide and treacherous rivers to the place He wants me to be.

Emerging Butterfly

The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

Why is it that so often, the bad and ugly experiences in our lives take a front seat in defining who we are? Why does childhood abuse, divorce or tragedy play such a critical part in shaping our psyche? If I look back over my life there have been 3 major sad incidences that have been directly responsible for some of my biggest hangups. But, the good and beautiful and simple and lovely experiences far out-weigh those negative ones, and yet seem to have less of an impact. Is it that Satan loves to make us focus on the muddy bits and tries to distract us from the shiny white bits? While I cannot change what bad things have happened in my past, I can choose to learn from those experiences and try to balance them out with all of the pretty moments in my life. As a matter of fact, I want to focus more on the good and leave the bad and the ugly at the foot of the throne. What's the point of being a Christian if God can't heal us completely from the past? Yes, there is a place for retrospection and yes, damage has been done. But it doesn't have to end there. You know, we pray so hard for healing of physical hurts and ailments, can we not also be healed from the pain of the past? As I crawl under my quilt, I will ask my Father to reach into my mind and spirit and heal me from the muddy stuff in my life. And I will have faith that He can remove it from me and toss it away, as far as the east is from the west! But I will also ask Him for the wisdom I need to learn from those experiences, for opportunities to use them to help others heal, and to rejoice in surviving thus far!

When It Feels Like Time Is Standing Still

The Well Is Dry

(This was to be posted last night but I ran into Blogger trouble)

It’s tough to get back in the writing groove when you’ve been AWOL for a while. My brain is dead and the well is dry. I think it’s because nothing is happening in my life right now, good or bad and I feel stagnant. Stagnant…just the word conjures up images of slimy, ooey, gooey, slow-moving sludge. And that’s exactly how I feel right now. Especially the slow-moving sludge. It strikes me tonight that God and I have two very different clocks. His moves with an eternal tick, mine with a temporary tock. My lifetime is but an hour in His time. To me, an hour is a lifetime. As I crawl under my quilt tonight, I will once again, ask Him for a miracle in my life. And if I must move to His tick (and I’m sure I do) than I will ask Him to give me the patience to endure and persevere. And I will wait. And I will wait. But please Lord, consider my clock and how it ticks and tocks and answer my prayers soon.

Navigating Life's Highway

Lying On Life's Highway

I told a friend yesterday that at one point during this physical ordeal, I said, "I feel as if I'm lying on life's highway, and someone said, 'Hey, look at her, she's already down. Let's go kick her!'" Now that is truly a pity party gone wild if I ever heard one. Granted, I had a high fever at the time and was having my fourth intervenous, so...I'm gonna cut myself a bit of slack here. However, now that the mind is clearing and the pain is gone, I must ask my Father to forgive me...again. I want so bad to be one of those women who rise above every circumstance with grace and faith still strong. Instead, when things get tough, I feel abandoned by God, faith nearly forgotten, grace lost somewhere in the kleenex and baggy pj's and retching. When I read the words of those hero's in scripture who suffered for Christ with such strength and bravery and dignity...Paul, Stephen, John and many, many others, I wonder if I can ever even begin to attain what I feel I am called to attain. As I crawl under my quilt this afternoon for a nap, I will praise God that I don't have to reach perfection, that He knows what I am able to endure and that He will help me every step of the way. I am also thankful that He has cared for me, that I live in a country where I can receive such excellent medical attention, and that I made it through!

Hi everyone...still not feeling great but am on the mend. Thanks for your prayers. Blogger does not want to let me post right now but I"ll try again later. My fingers still don't seem to want to type! And my brain is a bit mushy! This infection really sent me for a loop! I'm no longer on IV's thank goodness! That was truly awful. Well, it's off for another nap. Hugs to you all.