Don't Forget Me!

Hello dear friends. I seem to be lost in a pile of textbooks, papers and projects! It seems so hard to sit down and write my blog when I just want to fall into bed. However, I must not forget that it has been your friendship, prayers and words of comfort and encouragement that helped me do what I've done in the past month. The move to the new apartment was physically and emotionally draining. Starting school at the same time was on the verge of insane! However, here I am, all my boxes but one unpacked, and I'm only a bit behind in my homework! :) It's incredible how God has given me just enough strength to make it through the day. Nights are still hard as little son still does not want to sleep. I've been awake since 2:30 a.m. this morning! My friend David Fisher posted a comment on my last post telling me that God told Him that Jesus was interceding on my behalf all night long, 3 days ago. Not coincidently, it was a terrible night and I was angry with God and I told Him that I hated Him! I knew of course, deep within, that I loved Him more than life, but my emotions were saying something different. David's words have left me feeling very strange, it's hard to explain. I can picture Christ standing before God saying, "She's been faithful but she's getting discouraged Father. Hasn't she had enough? Is it time yet for her miracle? Please Father, be merciful. I died for her. I love her. Let the hurt stop soon Father!" And then, I see the Father shaking His head slowly and saying to Jesus, "Not yet Son, I'm not quite done what I need to do. It's not time. Help her to hold on." That vision makes me sad. I'm so ready for the struggle to end. So ready to receive my miracle. But I will wait. "Lord, forgive me for using the word hate and You in the same breath. I love You with all my heart. Help me to love you more. And Jesus, please continue to intercede on my behalf and until the Father is ready, give me the strength I need to make it through each day with grace and love and courage. Amen." Much love to you all!

Finding God In The Storm

Tonight, as I sit here fretting about getting my place unpacked and my homework done, I'm reminded of those in Texas and Louisiana who are fleeing their homes as the storm approaches. I can be so caught up in my own petty problems that I forget about those in this world who are facing 'the real thing' tonight.

It's hard to understand why God would allow such devastation. After all, He is Omnipotent! He speaks and the winds are stilled. He could stop Rita in here tracks and not a ripple would be seen on the waters of the Gulf. And yet, she is still bearing down hard and it looks as if she will leave her indelible mark on the landscape and on the lives of the people who call those places in her path, home.

And so, I ask God tonight to protect human life. And I pray that His children, those who call themselves Christians will respond to the need like never before and turn this terrible storm into a triumph of Christian love and obedience. I pray that the winds of Christ's love would blow through peoples hearts and souls and those that don't know Him will find Him in the storm and in the revealing calm that follows.

And for those of us who are fortunate enough to crawl into the warmth of our own dry, cozy beds may we stop for a moment before we drift into a safe slumber and thank God for His grace and mercy.

Guilt-ridden to Guilt-free!

Today, one of my professors said this in his prayer before class started, "Lord, there's nothing I could ever do to make You love me more...(and there was silence for a moment before he finished the sentence)...and there is nothing I could ever do to make you love me less."

Zing! That pierced my heart. I have been so guilty for the past while thinking that I was failing God and He must be loving me less. Now I know, that's the lie satan tells us to break our relationship with God. We've all been there, committing a sin, then not wanting to talk to God because we feel guilty, bad about what we've done. Feel unworthy. What God really wants us to do, is to come instantly back to Him, confess our sin, receive His forgiveness than stand back and watch as He tosses it in the deepest sea. Then, go and learn from our mistake and be better at standing up against it should it rear it's ugly head again!

And so, I face this night guilt-free! Thank you Father for your unending love and grace and forgiveness!

Lost At Sea

I've felt so lost over the past few weeks, not really knowing who I am in all of this. I'm mother, student, wife, daughter, sister, aunty, friend. Every one pulls a little bit from me and there are days when I feel I have nothing left for myself. I want to be the best Mommy, student, wife, daughter, sister, aunty, friend that I can be. But I'm tired. It's days like today, when everything seems foggy that I lean hard on my Lord to be my eyes, my heart, my mind, my everything. As I am tossed about on wild seas of uncertainty and confusion I look through the mist and see Christ and He is guiding me and I am not so lost after all.

My University Prayer

My prayer over the coming days in University:

Lord, may I study to show myself approved to You, a [student] that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. 2 Timothy 2:15

Just A Moment To Spare...

Well, here I sit in my University Collegium with just a few moments to spare. I wanted to update you all on how things are going. School is a huge adjustment! Wow...was I ever 20? I keep calling the other students 'the kids'. I really am getting old. The work load is humungous! I'm already behind and I never even got a chance to be ahead! So far, I love all of my classes except Creative Writing. Isn't that funny? The one class I was so looking forward to, my only 'fun' one, and it's nothing like I thought it would be. The focus is mainly poetry and while I love poetry and even enjoy writing it on occasion, I was really hoping that it would focus more on writing, how to develop a story-line, characters etc. as I have always wanted to write a book. Oh well. We'll see...I might grow to like it yet. I'll have to perform in a public poetry reading. Yikes, talk about being out of my comfort zone. But then, everything I'm doing right now is waaaayyyy out of my comfort zone.

The move is done. There's still lots of unpacking to do, but for the most part, the hard stuff is over. My Mom, God bless her, has hired Molly Maid to go to the house and do all the cleaning so I don't have to. I'm so greatful for that as it was just one more big thing on my already overloaded plate.

Thank you all for your love and prayers and for 'hanging' in there with me as I continue to grow and hurt and struggle and question and hope and believe!

Lean Hard

Once again my Streams In The Desert devotional gripped my heart and captured my spirit, my prayers, my longing for Christ's sustaining love during this struggle:

Child of My love, lean hard,
And let Me feel the pressure of your care;
I know your burden, child. I shaped it;
Balanced it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion
In its weight to your unaided strength,
For even as I laid it on, I said,
this burden will be Mine, not hers;
So will I keep My child within the circling arms
Of My Own love." Here lay it down, nor fear
The government of worlds. Yet closer come:
You are not near enough. I would embrace your care;
So I might feel My child reclining on My breast.
You love Me, I know. So then do not doubt;
But loving Me, lean hard.

My favourite two lines in this poem are, "Child of My love" and "For even as I laid it on, I said this burden will be Mine, not hers." What an awesome thought. First that I am a child of His love. And secondly, even before I felt the full extent of this trial, God claimed it as His to bear, not mine. What a relief to know that it is His! And so, I will lean harder on Him tonight than I have ever leaned before! There is far too much for me to carry right now. I will gladly lift this weight off of my shoulders and give it to Him to carry. It will please Him because He loves me so!

Overwhelmed But Blessed!

Dictionary.com defines overwhelmed like this: To surge over and submerge; engulf: waves overwhelming the rocky shoreline. Wow, how true to how I'm feeling right at this moment. The waves are definitely breaking over my head and the air I am gasping for is the breath of God. It is He alone that can sustain me and keep me from going under. It is Him. It is only Him. He is the reason why I'm able to breathe, however shallow those breathes may be. I am surrounded by boxes, by homework, by my confused and exhausted baby boy, by my completely stressed out dog, by loneliness, by heartbreak, by fear and by absolute bone-tiredness. But, praise be to God who so perfectly supplies all of my needs, I have a roof over my head, food in the cupboard and each of those boxes is full of pictures, books, treasured memories, clothes, soap, and many other things I am lucky enough to own. As I think of those down South in Louisiana and other places I can smile through my trials and feel amazingly, incredibly, joyfully blessed. Now, I'm off to study and then to bed! Thank you Jesus! You are sustaining me and I will not drown!

I Can Do All Things!

Well, it's my first night here in my new condo. There are boxes stacked on either side of me and I haven't seen the floor in two days. However, the internet is up and running and so I thought I'd say a quick hello and let you know how things are going. It's been a very hard week! Moving really has taken it's emotional and physical toll on me. Today, I sat in my 'old' bedroom up at the house and just sobbed as I looked around the empty room. So many dreams, so much hurt and disappointment. No time to grieve though, I've got tons of unpacking to finish and I already have assignments due at the beginning of the week! Can you believe it? After only two days of classes and I'm already so bogged down I'm in a panic. How do I get everything done? "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me!" Praise God that He keeps running that verse over and over in my mind! Well, that's all for now. I can hardly keep my eyes open! More tomorrow!

The End Of A Chapter

Well, this is my last night sleeping in this house, my last night sitting here in this bedroom at the computer. I'm not sure exactly how I feel. There is both a sense of relief and great sadness. I have not known many happy days here in this house. And yet, my son was born here, and it was our first house. I keep saying to myself, "It's just a thing. Plywood, drywall, paint, nails, flooring. And yet, put all those things together and they make home. I do not know what the future holds, but I certainly know who holds my future! And anywhere with Jesus is home sweet home. And so, I will boldly go forward in faith and hope and see what my Lord has to teach me yet. And the pen goes down and the page turns and this chapter is over...and a new one begins. I love you all!

Re-inflating My Faith

I've been so sensitive to the presence of God through this dark journey that I seem to see Him everywhere and in everything. I've shared with you a few 'mysterious' moments when I have been given a vision of Angels holding my arms and helping me stand during an especially difficult time and feeling Christ's arms around my shoulders. Tonight, I had something unusual happen that gave me such instant peace that I feel I must share it, even if some may think me strange. After a phone call from my husband, I broke down sobbing while I was bathing my son. He's too young to understand tears and giggled up at me as he tossed a cup of water over his head. In an effort to 'stem' the flow running down my cheeks, I pressed Kyle's shirt to my eyes. Now, you know how when you push on your eyes, you can see colours and shapes. Well, as I pushed the shirt hard into my face an image of a white cross, as clear as if my eyes were open and staring straight at it, glowed brilliantly before me. The instant I saw it the tears stopped and this thought came to mind: "I'm right here daughter, I have not abandoned you. I'm working everything out right now, at this moment. Have faith. Don't lose hope. I showed you that cross to remind you that you are not alone in this!" Okay, some of you may be thinking that I'm finally losing it. But I hope that more of you are thinking what an awesome God we have that meets us in the exact moment we need Him most. And although He wants us to walk by faith and not by sight, there are times when He grants us just a glimpse, a tangible thing to hold onto, something that breathes air into our faith when it is on the verge of deflating. I believe that Christ did just that very thing for me tonight. Oh and yes, I tried pushing on my eyes a few times after that, and I got nothing but a vague orange/yellow halo and a few black spots. :)

I Know That My Morning Is Near

If I can endure for this minute

Whatever is happening to me,

No matter how heavy my heart is

Or how dark the moment may be...

If I can remain calm and quiet

With all the world crashing about me,

Secure in the knowledge God loves me

When everyone else seems to doubt me...

If I can but keep on believing

What I know in my heart to be true,

That darkness will fade with the morning

And that "this will pass away too!"...

Then nothing in life can defeat me

For as long as this knowledge remains

I can suffer whatever is happening

For I know God will break all the chains

That are binding me in "the darkness"

And trying to fill me with fear...

For there is "no night without dawning"

And I know that "my morning" is near!

Love Lifted Me

Wow, it's been a tough day, both physically and emotionally. I'm pleased to say that the majority of my home is now packed up. Just my bedroom to go. Physically, of course it's always tiring to move. It's especially hard when my 16 month old likes to pull everything out of the boxes as fast as I can put it in. I seem to be packing many things twice. Emotionally, with each stretch of the packing tape that pulls off the roll, I feel a bit of my heart tear away. Again, the tears flowed easily today as what I know and is familiar is packed away forever. The future so unknown, the past so full of sorrow and disappointment. And so, I must live in the present for it's the only thing I can know for sure. And what I know today is that God's love continues to lift me and hold me up. Without His care, I would not be able to do what I'm doing. And the words to that old hymn flit across my mind: Love lifted me, love lifted me. When nothing else could help love lifted me! There were 'angels on earth' today as my Mom and sister-in-law helped to pack. They sensed, and rightly so, that I was having a real hard time facing all of this alone. They showed up ready to work and will be back again over the next couple of days. And now, I will fall into bed and hopefully the baby will sleep well and I will sleep well and all will be well in my world as the Father's love lifts me and carries me onward!

Aloha And Welcome!

Well, today I went back to University. It was orientation and registration day for new students and 'old' ones like me who were returning after 17 years! When I arrived on campus I was met by about a hundred laughing, dancing, highly enthusiastic student 'helpers' all dressed in bright Hawaiian shirts directing me to go this way and that. The gap between them, as they yelled, "Welcome to Trinity Western!", at the top of their lungs and me, as I slinked around in my hair dyed to hide all the grey, felt enormous! First stop ... the Welcome Tent. Here I was instructed to pick up my student package containing I.D. card, mailbox key etc. and class schedule. Wouldn't you know it, I was no where to be found. They hunted high and low for any sign of me actually belonging there but nothing could be found. So, I was sent inside to see the Registrar. Once there, I was met with more befuddled people who couldn't find me. They sent me to the student center. More confusion there, still no sign of my 'package'. The student center sent me back to the Registrar. They sent me to a new place. The new place sent me back to the first place. So the first place sent me to another new place. They sent me back to the second place. Pant, pant. Yikes, my feet are killing me already! More Hawaiian helpers yelled welcome at me. Someone offered me a new cell phone plan, a student credit card, the University paper. Still no package. I walked past some very cute 'Hawaiian' jocks at tables set up to nab potential athletes. No one said welcome. Still no package. Suddenly, my cell phone rang out its familiar Caribbean salsa ring and a voice informed me to head back to the original office. My package was found! I did belong! Next I went to a meeting for mature students. I was the only one there. I felt ancient. My feet were burning, my back was aching and the pimply faced 'Hawaiian' waiting to greet the mature students looked as lost as I did. That was enough for me! I bought my text books (one of them cost $140.00!) and drove out past more screaming 'Hawaiians' yelling something about 'see you in class' and I was gone! I went and got a Dairy Queen Mocha MooLatte and tried to drown myself in icecream and chocolate. I am now going to bed. I hope this doesn't kill me!

When The Spirit Moves - Literally

I have been packing all day. This morning, as I sat on the couch cuddling my son and watching 'Blue's Clues' I was overcome with a feeling of despair. Those same words that flooded my mind in my new Condo came back to have another go. "I can't do this." I looked around at my still unpacked place and even though I don't have tons of stuff, it looked endless to me. I put my son down and moved forward to the edge of the couch. "I can't do this Lord. You're going to have to motivate me to get packing today. I can't do it on my own. My feet feel like they are made of lead. You may as well be asking me to walk up Mt. Everest in a neoprene scuba suit. That's how hard this feels to me." I sat there for a moment and then I stood up. I can't tell you much more than that. Something must have come over me because I lost track of time and before I knew it, it was time to feed and bath Kyle and put him to bed. And as I looked around, I was almost stunned to see that my kitchen was nearly completely packed up. God is so in the here and now. Without His help, I'd likely still be sitting on that couch. And so, one day, one box at a time, I can do this because Almighty God, the great 'mover' and shaker is helping do what needs to be done.