The batteries are low in my flashlight!

I've been somewhat remiss in my daily writings here again. Between reading Homer's The Odyssey and myriads of textbooks and the onslaught of post-midterm papers that are now due, it's been a bit difficult to be disciplined in writing my blog. I think that also, I have been hesitant to share my voice here because in it's current states, it's a bit weak and quivering. My faith has really taken a blow these past few days as my situation with my husband remains 'status quo'. I have been asking God for a miracle for so long now that I am beginning to wonder what His purpose is in all of this. It's so easy to say the words, "Thy will be done" and "God works all things out for our good" and "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord", but in reality, the waiting and the not knowing really sucks! I vacillate daily between feeling like Wonder Woman and Gilligan (see previous post). Mostly, I feel like God has left me to wander around in the dark, just hoping to bump into the right door that will open up to a wonderfully bright and happy future. And all I seem to be doing right now is bumping my head on low-hanging beams and tripping over unseen obstacles. When I'm walking close to God, I can almost see a small crack of light shining out from beneath a door in the distance. But when I start to lose faith, the slip of light disappears and I just wander around in circles. And so, I must pick up my bible shaped flashlight and search this cavernous room called life and try my best to find and walk through the right door!

Happy Autumn!

Well dear friends, the midterm results are in and I have done really well. 2 A-'s and 2 B+'s. I just need to keep up the momentum! Praise God! The weather has finally turned 'crispy' here in B.C. I say 'finally' because it is by far my favourite time of year! I know that for many, spring is best because it signals new life and new growth. There is a sense of starting over. There is the anticipation of warm days ahead, of summer holidays just around the corner. But for me, the autumn is when I feel the most comfortable in my skin. I love to feel cozy, warm, secure. I love the holidays that come with the onset of fall, Thanksgiving, Halloween (yes, even as a Christian, I love Halloween!) and then Christmas. I love the colors and the smells and the sounds of autumn. Now perhaps, there is a bit of pride involved in my love of the cooler weather as I definitely look better in clothes that 'hide' more than in those short-sleeved, short legged summer clothes. Ah well....now you all know my insecurities. Anyways, happy Autumn to you! And now, I have to start my 16 page paper! Yikes!! Hugs to you all

Midterms are done!

Thank you so much for your prayers. Midterms are over! Yeah! I'm not really sure how I did today, but I did my best and will now trust and rest. Rest...at least for tonight. Now, all the projects start. Papers, papers, papers. Fortunately, I'm not afraid of writing or giving my opinion! I'm off to bed early for a change. Thank you again for being true examples of the body of Christ!

Quick Exam Update

Two midterms down, one to go. And it's a doozy! I'll be taking my exam tomorrow (Thursday) at 4:00 p.m. PST. If you have a moment, I sure could use your prayers. Specifically, with all the emotional and physical stress in my life (I'm sick with a bad cold and so is baby) I'm really having trouble with recalling what I've studied. I think I did pretty good on todays exam but boy, did I ever have to rack my poor brain! I was exhausted with the effort of it. On last Thursday's exam I did pretty well and already know I got a B+. I was really hoping for an 'A' but I gave it my best so I will be thankful! Thank you for your comments on the last few blogs. You have all really lifted my spirits and my faith has been genuinely restored over the past few days. God is good, isn't He!

Wack Away, Lord!

My friend, Ordinary Christian, commented in my previous blog that she believed God sent her someone to be the 'hammer' on her dense ways. This really struck me as a profound thought. So often, when we are faced with difficult people in our lives, we ask God to fix them, (often in a very well intended prayer about breaking through their walls, and helping them see, and please teach them Lord) and we don't really stop to think that perhaps this person's bad attitude or that person's mean spirit, that bad driver, this grumpy sales clerk, that unloving spouse, this difficult child is here to 'hammer' home God's change in our own lives. That's a very freeing thought. It removes the stress of being angry or disappointed in others and instead helps us to focus on areas in our lives that we can change to create better relationships with each other and with our Creator. And so, I just want to say, publicly, "thank you Lord for sending that big hammer into my life named Joe. Please, work your change in me. Refine my life. Hammer out the kinks and the stubborn creases." How I respond to my husband is all about my stuff. It's not about his stuff. That's between him and the Lord. And so, tonight, I bend willingly over the anvil, and even though I feel that I am already beaten flat, I will trust that God still sees that there is work to be done. Wack away Lord! And please, hold my hand while you're doing it.

The Forecast is for a Mix of Sun and Cloud

It's been a while since I've updated you on my marriage situation. For those of you who are new friends, back in November of last year, my husband of 3 years left me and my 7 month old son. It's been a heartbreaking journey but God has been good. We are in marriage counseling and my husband maintains that there is still hope of a reconciliation. The waiting is so hard and there have been many, many, many nights where I have sobbed into the dawning day. God has given me a vision to hold on and not give up hope even though everyone around me has given up and continuously encourage me to do so. I have made a vow to God to remain faithful and wait for His voice to advise and guide me.
So, how's it going now? Well, it's still heartbreaking but I have not backed down on my conviction that marriage is forever and I am still believing. (Even though I have just stopped crying after my husband's visit a few minutes ago. Every time he leaves, its like the first day he left, all over again.) Anyways, I have certainly traveled up and down the sides of this valley. Some days, I get a glimpse of the sunshine over the edge. And then there are days when I seem to be crawling on the valley floor beneath a low fog, bumping my head on boulders, slipping on slime with a huge pack on my back. And God is there with me too, even when I look up through the slime and the fog and shake my fist at Him. Right now I'm standing in the valley and it's one of those cloudy, sunny days where the rays peak through the grey every once in a while, just long enough to lift your spirits a little and remember that the Son, even when we don't see Him is still there.

Oh, I love you so much!

I am overwhelmed with thoughts of love and affection for you all! Where would I be without my beloved blogging family? You have lifted me in your prayers and God has filled me with incredible peace today that through Him, all things are possible! I may not have the mind of an 19 year-old, but then again, I don't have the mind of an 19 year-old! :) The files may be full, but they're full of the riches of life experience and the wisdom that only comes after trials, heartache, tough lessons, and gray hair! I have decided today that I have been learning under a cloud of self-doubt! I have played the negative-tape over and over in my head..."you can't do this, you're too old, it's too hard, you have too many things on your plate." I think that these are just excuses I give myself to allow me to fail. And I don't want to fail! I want to do awesome. I want to do my best for Christ, my son, my husband and myself!!! I will be writing nightly! It's my committment to you all! Big gigantic eye-popping, squeezy hugs to each of you!!!

Yikes!!

Dear friends...midterms have arrived already! I'm in deep and feel like I'm sinking...fast! Please, if you have a moment, would you pray that I will be able to recall what I have studied? My 42-year-old brain just doesn't seem to have the capacity to store or bring to mind what I need when I need it. I think the files are already full! Tomorrow's midterm at 9:25 a.m. PST is a paper on the mythical gods of the classics for my Backgrounds of English Literature class. Next Wednesday at 10:00 a.m. is my Theories of Personality exam and on Thursday at 4:00 p.m. is my scariest one...The Exceptional Child in the Classroom...it'll be a toughie! Thank you for your faithfulness. I will have a bit of a lull after next week when I hopefully will be able to write something a bit more interesting than this! Hugs to you all!

I'm Not Wonder Woman...I'm Gilligan!

You know that verse in the bible that says God will not give us more than we are able to bear? Does that verse ever make you angry? That's how I feel tonight. I'm sitting here and I'm wondering, "Who does God think I am? Am I Wonder Woman? Am I made of steel with industrial sized rivets and bolts holding my thick crocodile skin together? Am I 'Spock', all logic and no emotion? Am I sturdy as an Oak tree? Am I stronger than an ox? Do I have powers yet untapped to see into the future or make all my troubles vanish with the flick of a magic wand? Surely He has mistaken me for someone else. He's gone and got me mixed up with a woman of tremendous courage and iron-clad faith and He seems to think I'm fearless and powerful and wise.

I am none of the above. I am Gilligan. I am made of wax and marshmallow. My skin is made of the same stuff as spider webs and I am being held together by no-name brand bandaids. I am all emotion, all feeling and little logic. I certainly don't have a clue what the future holds and my magic wand is broke! I'm terrified, my faith is faltering, I feel powerless and dumb.

Perhaps, and this is pure speculation, I am all of these things combined. The first stuff is what I can be through Him and the second stuff is what I am without Him. Or even better, perhaps no-name brand bandaids are all He requires of me. He's the superglue! And I all I have to do is hang on for just long enough, not make any sudden moves, but wait quietly for the glue to dry and hold all things together. And when He's ready, when the broken bits are fixed, He'll let me sore again.

Consider The Lilies!

God had a message for me today and it followed me around the university campus. In two separate and very unrelated classes, the professors read from the same passage in the bible:

Matthew 25-33

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

I truly believe that those words were sent for me. I've been so worried about where I'm living, wondering how safe we are here, and how we'll make ends meet as I study. It's been on my mind and I have shared my worries with no one but the Lord. I asked Him last night to give me a promise to hang on to, something tangible. And so, through the mouths of my professors came the words of Christ. And I know tonight that He has not forsaken me, even though it feels at times that I am all alone. He knows what I need! What a relief!