The Faith Expedition

2012-02-03T12:21:00.001-08:00

A long-overdue update

2010-01-05T15:07:00.000-08:00

Okay, I know...it's been forever and most likely there are very, very few, if any of you still haunting this ol' blog. But just in case there are a few of you still lingering in cobwebbed corners, I wanted to wish you a very happy new year! Yay 2010! I also wanted to let you know that after 4 1/2 years, Joe and I are giving our marriage a 2nd chance. It's amazing to me, reading back over the tearful blogs of many, many lonely and painful nights, that in God's own time, He has answered my prayers. I can't lie. It did seem to take Him FOREVER! But as always His timing was exactly as it should be...not too late, not too soon, but exactly perfect...when each duck was in it's place in the row, He bent low to my ear and whispered..."now daughter, now is the time. I promised to answer your prayers. You waited faithfully and here is your reward. There is still more to learn...much more! There are still mountains to climb, valleys to tremble through, rivers that will threaten to run wild over you, but now is the time for THIS prayer to be answered. Go carefully, wisely, and prayerfully...but go with confidence and trust that I am the God of your past, present and future and I go with you." Thank you to all that prayed with me! My love still goes out to you as I re-read my blogs. You were there for me. May God bless your life for standing by me. *hugs*

The Finish Line!

2007-05-03T10:23:00.000-07:00

Well dear friends...last Saturday I graduated university with my B.A. It's hard to believe that I made it! I even passed math! Just my one year practicum to get my B.Ed and I'll be a teacher. Thank you to all who have continued to pray for me. Don't stop!! I still need your care! The next hurdle I'm facing is finding a cheaper place for Kyle and I to live. I need to move by July 1st or I'll be completely out of funds. However, I'm trusting and hoping and knowing that God will more than adequately take care of this little lamb. Blessings to you all.

A photo update of 'The Prince'

2007-03-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

Nearing the end of the race...

2007-03-17T11:46:00.000-07:00

Why is it that the final meters of a race are the hardest? Just when our projects are nearly finished, just those last few pounds, just that last paper, the last final exam...that's when we most feel like giving up! For me, even when I know that I'm nearly there, when the finish line is in sight, I still feel like sitting down and not budging another inch. It's infuriating! Frustrating! Exhausting! That's where I'm at right now. I've worked so hard over the past couple of years to finish my teaching degree. I'm nearly there! Just one more month! And yet, I feel utterly defeated. I just want to quit. Do you know what I think it is? I think it's Satan. I think that it just kills him when we complete a task! I think he hates it when we succeed at what we set out to accomplish! I think it makes him mad to see us so close to realizing a dream come true! And so, his nasty little strategy is to make us feel defeated right at the most crucial time. He glories in seeing us waiver, our legs begin to buckle, our head drop low, our shoulders sag, our eyes lose sight of the prize that's waiting for us if we finish. "As I near the finish line, Lord help me to keep my eyes focused on You. Help me to run these last few steps with courage and determination. Help me to not waiver, not buckle, not crumble. Help me make this dream come true Lord and I promise that I will use it to honour you."

What I long for...

2006-06-14T16:52:00.000-07:00

It is what I long for...

Not the absense of sorrow
but the presence of joy within it.

Not the absense of pain
but the presence of love surrounding it.

Not the absense of suffering
but the presence of grace above it.

For life without sorrow, and pain and suffering is also a life without joy and love and grace.

Still believing....Becky

Making Jesus Smile

2006-05-04T12:27:00.000-07:00

Today, my little 2 year old man prayed to Jesus all by himself for the first time. He closed his eyes tightly, folded his hands and asked Jesus to keep him safe, bless Mommy, Daddy, Nana, Papa and his cousins (which he carefully named) then he prayed for his dog, his teddy bear and then said, "In Jesus name, amen." As he finished I had the definite impression that Jesus was standing next to my son and just beaming from ear to ear. How sweet, like honey on the lips, must those first words uttered in child-like faith sound to Christ. I think that of all the prayers to come, of all the well spoken utterences, none would sound as sweet. My prayer is that Kyle would know Christ early and that he will seek after Him as he makes his way through this life.
"In Jesus name, amen."

Directionally Challenged

2006-05-01T22:04:00.000-07:00

So many times throughout this long journey I have found myself standing squarely in the center of a crossroad. Sometimes, choosing the right way is clear. Sometimes, the road in all directions is muddy, crooked, overgrown with weeds, full of potholes and littered with boulders and I am utterly confused. Do I turn left? do I turn right? do I go straight? do I run back the way I came? Mostly, if I wait paitently, prayerfully and with faith, God places His hands ever so lightly on my shoulders and gives me a slight nudge in the right direction. But sometimes, there is no nudge, no whisper, no light touch of a divine hand. There is only silence as the dust blows around me and impedes my view. Tonight I stand in this dusty place and I don't know what to do. The most frustrating thing is that I'm sure I've been here before. But how can that be? If I was here before, then I must have moved on since, by reason, I'm here again. So which way did I turn last time? Was it wrong? Is that why I've circled back? Did I repeat a mistake? Was I disobedient and so God has allowed me to walk in a huge circle so I can get it right this time? How do we ever really know that we're going the right way when we are faced with a difficult choice? I don't think I'm the first Pilgrim to ask this question. As a matter of fact, I know I'm not. But oh, how I wish the way would straighten out again. I wish that I could write that I can finally see where I'm going, the turrets of the castle are in sight. I see the flag waving, and the sounds of the fanfare drift over the last few miles and urge me on home. I long to rest beside those promised quiet waters. I want so much to lay down in those luscious green pastures. Ahh. But the Valley still lays stretched out before me and so, I will lift one foot up and place it down in front of the other and I will smile and have hope and continue on until I have learned everything God wants for me to learn and perhaps, sooner than later, the dust will settle, the valley will open up and there before me I shall see my home sweet home.

Reaching The Summit!

2006-04-23T21:28:00.000-07:00

Well dear friends, to those of you who have hung in with me even though I have only rewarded you with long periods of silence...I did it! I've finished a whole year of university! I can hardly believe ti! All I can say is that Jesus did it all the way! I could never, ever, under my own power, have accomplished what I've accomplished over this unbelievably difficult year! I'm still waiting on the results of my final exams but I think that for the most part, I've done very well. Again, thank goodness God is all knowing because when it came to my exams, I sure wasn't. However, He worked in some very mysterious ways this week, helping me to focus primarily on the very things that ended up on the exams. In my Renaissance Poetry and Prose exam, out of 7 long essay questions, we had to choose 4 to write on and there were exactly 4 that I was totally prepared to write about. That's pretty incredible considering we studied about 80 poems, (some very long), a half dozen essays and Pilgrim's Progress. The odds of me studying the exact 4 poems I would need for the exam....pretty incredible. Anyhow, other things like that happened over the week and I had amazing recall, something that I usually really struggle with in exams. I usually freeze up and draw a complete blank when I turn over the exam.

So, now the summer! I'm so excited to spend some quality time with my darling boy. He's really been a trooper as well but he has certainly missed his Mommy. We're going to spend lots of time sitting at the beach and playing in the pool.

I hope to be much more active in blog world, probably just about the time you all will wind down for the summer and take vacations. Oh well...

Love Becky

Unworthy...and yet...

2006-04-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

Unworthy

i
stood at the foot
of the cross
and looked up
at Him
and He
looked down
at me
and droplets
of His blood
splashed
at my feet
and my tears
fell
and mingled
and i knew
i
was not worthy
to stand here
and He said
My blood
your tears
mix
and you are cleansed
and you are loved
and you are forgiven
and you are Mine
i fell
forward
and kissed His feet
i felt
true love
and i knew
oh
i knew
it was for me
for me
for me
He died
and i cried
because
i
was not
worthy

- Becky P.

LOOK WHO'S 2 !!

2006-04-12T08:55:00.000-07:00

Kyle turned 2 years old on April 11th. It's hard to imagine! Where did the time go?

Almost done!!

2006-04-05T23:08:00.000-07:00

To my dear and faithful friends who continue to check here to see how I'm doing...I'm doing okay. Still in the center of the storm but I'm holding on...actually I'm doing better than that. I'm doing awesome in school and I think I'm maintaining my job as 'Mommy' quite well. Praise God because it is only through His amazing love that I am still standing! I have finals in 2 weeks and then I'm done for the summer. I promise to catch you up on all that's happened. For now, something had to give if I was going to ever get to bed at nights after my homework was done and so I had to sacrifice my blog. But only for now! I'll be back (she said with an 'Arnold Schwartzenegger accent!) My love to you all. Please pray as I head into final exams the week of the 16th to the 21st. Next Tuesday, Kyle turns 2! I can hardly believe it's been 2 years since I've had a real nights sleep! My love to you all.

Becky

Will You Forgive Me?

2006-02-07T21:03:00.000-08:00

I want to start by apologizing to you all. I've been wallowing in grief and sadness and I have forgotten to encourage you and lift your spirits. My prayer, from the beginning of this journey, has been that in everything God would be glorified and that my brothers and sisters in Christ would be better for knowing me and hearing my story. I wanted to walk this path with dignity and with a spirit of hope and grace. I wanted my courage to inspire someone else to be courageous. I have wanted to bless you through my struggle and to encourage you to not give up in the fight to do what you know is right. For the past few weeks, I have forgotten about you. Today, God reminded me to lift you up. So, let me encourage you, every one of you. God is at work. He is with us. I don't mean that He is 'with us' in that churchy, christianese way we have of saying that. No, I mean He is physically with us. I know. I've felt Him. He stood beside me as I faced the most painful moment of my life and all my hairs stood on end, and I was freezing cold and I knew without a doubt that God was in the room. I wanted to tell you that so that when you face what may come in the moments, days, weeks ahead, you will remember that I felt God's presence and know that He is standing with His children. He has not forgotten us. He has not abandoned us. He has not overlooked us. Oh no. The very opposite is true. I feel that He is more tangibly with us than ever before. I'm not sure why I have this conviction but I do and I felt tonight that you needed to know that. God is bigger than my sorrow, bigger than my deepest pain, mightier than my strongest enemy, more fierce than a million warriors. I also feel that I must speak these words of exhoration: The God of the New Testament is the same as the God of the Old and He is never changing. Christ made a way for us to know Him and to receive His forgiveness, but...He is still Almighty God and He is not to be toyed with. That thought has utterly changed my faith this week. My encounter with God shook me to the core and made me realize that I needed to change the way I viewed Him. Up until now, my view of God was always the God of grace, never the God of justice, always the God of mercy, never the God of wrath, always God the Father, never the God to be feared. Yes, Jesus made a way, but God is still God and those He loves, He chastens. However, as we learn the lessons we must learn, He is also the God of comfort and love. May you all experience His presence and may He bless you all for standing beside me on the battlefield. For you are more to me than just names on a blog, you are my friends. The victory is secured in Him already! Let's party!

He's On The Move

2006-02-01T21:28:00.000-08:00

God is on the move. He's working and answering prayer. Not in the way I would have directed, but according to His good and perfect will. The next few days will be critical. There is light at the end of this long dark tunnel. Please hold on to faith with me that God will indeed show us all a miracle. I can't wait to tell you that He has done it!

In the Midst...

2006-01-30T21:08:00.000-08:00

How my heart longs to post a picture that is serene and peaceful. How desperately I want to tell you that the storm has passed and I am safely on the other side. How I cry to God saying, "please, let this cup pass. I can't do this Lord." But it isn't over yet. Instead it grows in intensity and I am bent nearly over. Oh, but there is hope in the midst. There are prayers going up in the midst. There is God...God is in the midst and I will not break. Though I bend so far that my forehead scrapes the ground...there is strength in the midst. And for that I can praise God! There are better days to come my friends. And to those of you who have stood with me for over a year, I want you to know that you are certainly in the midst with me and you are surely helping me to stand.

2006-01-29T08:06:00.000-08:00

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam

and the mountains quake with their surging.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;

God will help her at break of day.

Psalm 46:5

2006-01-27T21:57:00.000-08:00

Please remember Kyle. Would you pray God's protection around his little heart and mind. Pray that I will have the strength and courage I need to be a great mommy in the midst of my heartbreak.

2006-01-27T21:54:00.000-08:00

This is Joe. Pray that God would still do a miracle. He is in the very center of the darkness. Ask God to be merciful.

2006-01-26T19:49:00.000-08:00

Your prayers are sustaining me as I pass through the worst days of my life. Please pray that I will be still and let God work. I am literally living one hour at a time. Please pray that I will trust God to do what He has to do and that He will never fail me. I love you all. I can't imagine going through this nightmare without the prayers of faithful friends like you. I will continue to keep you updated and when I can, I will fill in the details.

2006-01-25T07:57:00.000-08:00

Hanging on. Please keep praying.

2006-01-24T14:53:00.000-08:00

Please pray.

Iris

2006-01-13T11:43:00.000-08:00

I got a new digital camera for Christmas. I've been wanting one for the past few years so I was excited to find it under the tree! I'm enjoying playing around with it. Here is my favorite so far. Hope you enjoy.

Lessons from the Weasel

2006-01-10T21:00:00.000-08:00

Calling someone a Weasel is generally considered an insult. However, after reading an article written by Annie Dillard in 1982, I have decided to claim the weasel as the animal I would most like to be like as I walk this difficult path. Consider the following and see if perhaps you don't find yourself admiring this little 'Mustelid':

[The Weasel] "stalks rabbits, mice, muskrats, and birds, killing more bodies than he can eat warm, and often dragging the carcasses home. Obedient to instinct, he bites his prey at the neck either splitting the jugular vein at the throat or crunching the brain at the base of the skull, and he does not let go. One naturalist refused to kill a weasel who was socketed into his hand deeply as a rattlesnake. The man could in no way pry the tiny weasel off, and he had to walk half a mile to water, the weasel dangling from his palm, and soak him off like a stubborn label. And once, says Ernest Thompson Seton--once, a man shot an eagle out of the sky. He examined the eagle and found the dry skull of a weasel fixed by the jaws to his throat. The supposition is that the eagle had pounced on the weasel and the weasel swiveled and bit as instinct taught him, tooth to neck, and nearly won. I would like to have seen that eagle from the air a few weeks or months before he was shot: was the whole weasel still attached to his feathered throat, a fur pendant?"

I have asked God today to make me like the weasel: tenacious, never quitting, holding on with a fierce will and determination! I have had set before me a vision from God that I am not to quit, and so I am sinking my teeth in deep and no matter where I am taken, be it to the depths of despair, or dangled precariously over the most jagged peaks, I will hold on until I hear my creator tell me to let go.

Annie Dillard ends her story with this final thought:

"I think it would be well, and proper, and obedient, and pure to grasp your one necessity and not let it go, to dangle from it limp wherever it takes you... Seize it and let it seize you up aloft even, till your eyes burn out and drop; let your musky flesh fall off in shreds, and let your very bones unhinge and scatter, loosened over fields, over fields and woods, lightly, thoughtless, from any height at all, from as high as eagles."

This is my message to the father of lies, this is my cry to God, this is my promise to my husband, this is my call. I will not relinquish what I believe to be true no matter how much easier it would be to just... let... go...

A Mighty God

2006-01-03T22:54:00.000-08:00

Today, I finally saw The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. I've probably read the book about 20 times so I was anxious to see how the movie stacked up. It was awesome! However, it was one of the final lines of the movie that has stuck with me and made me both tremble and feel hope at the same time. Mr. Tumnus is speaking to Lucy after the Coronation. They are watching Aslan from a balcony as he is walking away from Care Paravel and Lucy is sad that he is leaving. And Mr. Tumnus says..."He [Aslan] is after all, not a tame Lion." And Lucy replies, "Yes, that's true... but he is good."

As the credits rolled at the end of the movie, I sat in my chair and thought about that statement. My first thought was that I sometimes forget that God is fierce and powerful and a force not to be toyed with. It's easy to get caught up in the comforting idea that God is this kind, benevolent old man that sits up in heaven and watches over us. I once wrote a blog about God allowing difficulties to come into my life in order to work change in me and someone commented that her loving 'Abba' God would never do that. I think that we're falling prey to lies if we don't see God as a fierce Lion who can do what He wills with our lives. That being said, Lucy's reply is what fills us with hope...God is good. No matter what happens to us, it will be for our good and ultimately, He will win every battle and His goodness and love will prevail over evil.

As I, His child walk this road, I must remember that the God of the New testament is the same as the God of the Old, only now I have someone to intercede on my behalf, someone who bore my sins for me. And like Edmund in the movie, someone died in my place. May I never forget that I am worthy of death and an in this knowledge live my life as befitting His grace!

Simply Holding on and Trusting Him for 2006

2005-12-29T23:55:00.000-08:00

I have read this poem over and over during this past difficult year. To some, its words may seem unbearably harsh, even cruel. But to those of you who have also spent time on the anvil, you will understand why it has brought me both hope and peace. As I move into the new year, I pray that my time in the furnace is nearly done. But if not, then I pray that I may at least be a testament of God's grace as He continues to give me just enough strength and courage to make it through.

Pain's furnace heat within me quivers,

God's breath upon the flame does blow;

And all my heart in anguish shivers

And trembles at the fiery glow;

And yet I whisper, "As God will!"

And in the hottest fire hold still.

He comes and lays my heart, all heated,

On the hard anvil, minded so

Into His own fair shape to beat it

With His great hammer, blow on blow;

And yet I whisper, "As God will!"

And at His heaviest blows hold still.

He takes my softened heart and beats it;

The sparks fly off at every blow'

He turns it o'er and o'er and heats it,

and lets it cool, and makes it glow;

And yet I whisper, "As God will!"

And in His mighty hand hold still.

Why should I complain? for the sorrow

Then only longer-lived would be;

The end may come, and will tomorrow,

When God has done His work in me;

So I say trusting, "As God will!"

And trusting to the end, hold still.

~ Julius Sturm

The Year of the Anvil

2005-12-28T13:02:00.000-08:00

Well, 2005 is coming to a close. It's hard not to think back over the events of this past year without some sadness. However, there are moments in my memory that are liberally sprinkled with the dust of happiness and joy and so, in the spirit of Christ, I'd like to reflect on these first. This year saw my little baby growing into a little boy as he learned to walk and talk and show his temper and say "I love you" and stomp his feet and charm everyone he meets. This year will always be remembered as the year I went back to university and earned four A's and a B+ after not being in school for 16 years! (It's amazing what a little maturity and a healthy dose of motivation can do for a formerly rotten student!) It will be the year that the Lord loved me enough to chastise me and call me back to Himself in a way that a gentle hand could never have accomplished. It will be the year that I began to discover who I am and what I want to achieve in this short span of time we call our lifetime. This year will be the year I discovered who my true friends are and how important the love and support of family can be in time of crisis. These are lessons that I will never, ever forget and am so thankful that I have learned them before I am out of time. 2005 will be the year that I discovered that I have more patience, hope, love, endurance, courage and strength than I ever would have thought possible for me to have and so I will also remember it as the year I truly learned that 'all things are possible with Christ'. And finally, it will be remembered as the year of sorrow, loss and loneliness. But even these memories will, in time, become cherished ones as I see my life laid out on the anvil, pounded and hot from the fire finally taking on the shape that the master designer intended for it to have all along. God bless you all in the coming year and may He fill your hearts with love, hope and peace as you seek to live your lives for His glory.

Love Becky

One Semester (almost) Down, 4 To Go!

2005-12-08T09:31:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone...I'm in the home stretch, final exams starting Monday the 12th and then, FREEDOM for about 23 days! I'm so sorry I've been away for so long. I just got overwhelmed with papers and reading! After spending hours studying, I just couldn't face logging on to blog. Thanks to all who have continued to pray and send me encouragement! You are all in my thoughts, somewhere between English Lit 334 and Theories of Personality 310! :)
Hugs to you and I promise to write over Christmas!

Love Becky

Still Reaching Out In Faith

2005-11-11T23:20:00.000-08:00

Wow...you'd think with all the writing I did on my blog before school started, term papers would be a breeze. The words just don't flow as easily when I have to write as when I'm writing because I want to! I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written here, but the papers are taking up my few precious spare moments when baby has finally fallen asleep and I can get some homework done. I've only got 2 major papers left to do and once their done, I can catch up on the reading and start studying for finals.

God is good. I just want to let you know that I still believe that, even within the hustle and bustle of school and the noise and clammer of a 19-month old and the still absent husband. Even when I have days when I've actually wondered if He still loves me, or worse yet, if He even likes me, my faith remains. Not always strong, not always unshaken, but it remains.

I've had a couple of really tough counselling sessions when I have had to come face to face with my idea of God and question His power and purpose in my life. There have been nights of bitter tears and mornings when all seems grey and hopeless. But somehow, within in this sorrow, I still believe. And that is the work of the Holy Spirit. It is He that whispers to me, God is good. God loves you still. God is in control. He hasn't abandoned you. He hasn't forgotten His promises to you. He hasn't turned His back and walked away. And as I get up each morning and face another tough and lonely day, God does walk with me. If He wasn't, I wouldn't be standing.

Love to you all!

The Fleece and the Lamb

2005-11-01T21:57:00.000-08:00

Two days ago, I challenged the Lord and laid a fleece before Him. It's not something that I have done very often in my life and I understand the 'dangers' of directing God. However, I felt I was at a cross-roads in my journey and I needed a definite answer from Him on which way I should go. I told Him that this was not the time for subtle clues or hidden answers or the 'just trust Me' speech. I needed an answer and I wanted it by this morning. And so, at 7:45 a.m., He answered me in an undeniable and tangible way. It was so miraculous that I instantly dropped to my knees beside my bed and the tears erupted from my eyes. I only said two words, "Thank You" before I got up and got ready for school.

Two days ago, I faced God squarely and presented to Him a symbol. Beside my bed, on my nightstand, I placed a tiny stuffed 'beanie baby' lamb. I told God that it was going to stay there to remind Him that I am but a little lost lamb, stubborn, sometimes dumb, many times foolish and completely dependent on Him to care for me. I firmly reminded Him of His promise to me in Isaiah 40:11 "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." There were moments of anger as I laid out my expectations before Him, moments of fear as I challenged Him, moments of sorrow as I laid my head in His lap and cried.

I love my Lord with all my heart and I know that He loves me with all of His. But there are times in every relationship when you just need to speak out loud what's on your heart. You need to be bold and say, "Hey! Don't forget your promises to me!" And there are times when you need to hear direct answers to direct questions. And God, in His incredible mercy, looked down at me, the tiny ant shaking my fist up at Him, and He smiled that loving, knowing smile of a parent and He gathered me to His chest and He hugged me tightly and said, "Okay daughter. Okay."

The batteries are low in my flashlight!

2005-10-30T21:21:00.000-08:00

I've been somewhat remiss in my daily writings here again. Between reading Homer's The Odyssey and myriads of textbooks and the onslaught of post-midterm papers that are now due, it's been a bit difficult to be disciplined in writing my blog. I think that also, I have been hesitant to share my voice here because in it's current states, it's a bit weak and quivering. My faith has really taken a blow these past few days as my situation with my husband remains 'status quo'. I have been asking God for a miracle for so long now that I am beginning to wonder what His purpose is in all of this. It's so easy to say the words, "Thy will be done" and "God works all things out for our good" and "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord", but in reality, the waiting and the not knowing really sucks! I vacillate daily between feeling like Wonder Woman and Gilligan (see previous post). Mostly, I feel like God has left me to wander around in the dark, just hoping to bump into the right door that will open up to a wonderfully bright and happy future. And all I seem to be doing right now is bumping my head on low-hanging beams and tripping over unseen obstacles. When I'm walking close to God, I can almost see a small crack of light shining out from beneath a door in the distance. But when I start to lose faith, the slip of light disappears and I just wander around in circles. And so, I must pick up my bible shaped flashlight and search this cavernous room called life and try my best to find and walk through the right door!

Happy Autumn!

2005-10-26T14:31:00.000-07:00

Well dear friends, the midterm results are in and I have done really well. 2 A-'s and 2 B+'s. I just need to keep up the momentum! Praise God! The weather has finally turned 'crispy' here in B.C. I say 'finally' because it is by far my favourite time of year! I know that for many, spring is best because it signals new life and new growth. There is a sense of starting over. There is the anticipation of warm days ahead, of summer holidays just around the corner. But for me, the autumn is when I feel the most comfortable in my skin. I love to feel cozy, warm, secure. I love the holidays that come with the onset of fall, Thanksgiving, Halloween (yes, even as a Christian, I love Halloween!) and then Christmas. I love the colors and the smells and the sounds of autumn. Now perhaps, there is a bit of pride involved in my love of the cooler weather as I definitely look better in clothes that 'hide' more than in those short-sleeved, short legged summer clothes. Ah well....now you all know my insecurities. Anyways, happy Autumn to you! And now, I have to start my 16 page paper! Yikes!! Hugs to you all

Midterms are done!

2005-10-20T22:03:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much for your prayers. Midterms are over! Yeah! I'm not really sure how I did today, but I did my best and will now trust and rest. Rest...at least for tonight. Now, all the projects start. Papers, papers, papers. Fortunately, I'm not afraid of writing or giving my opinion! I'm off to bed early for a change. Thank you again for being true examples of the body of Christ!

Quick Exam Update

2005-10-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

Two midterms down, one to go. And it's a doozy! I'll be taking my exam tomorrow (Thursday) at 4:00 p.m. PST. If you have a moment, I sure could use your prayers. Specifically, with all the emotional and physical stress in my life (I'm sick with a bad cold and so is baby) I'm really having trouble with recalling what I've studied. I think I did pretty good on todays exam but boy, did I ever have to rack my poor brain! I was exhausted with the effort of it. On last Thursday's exam I did pretty well and already know I got a B+. I was really hoping for an 'A' but I gave it my best so I will be thankful! Thank you for your comments on the last few blogs. You have all really lifted my spirits and my faith has been genuinely restored over the past few days. God is good, isn't He!

Wack Away, Lord!

2005-10-17T22:29:00.000-07:00

My friend, Ordinary Christian, commented in my previous blog that she believed God sent her someone to be the 'hammer' on her dense ways. This really struck me as a profound thought. So often, when we are faced with difficult people in our lives, we ask God to fix them, (often in a very well intended prayer about breaking through their walls, and helping them see, and please teach them Lord) and we don't really stop to think that perhaps this person's bad attitude or that person's mean spirit, that bad driver, this grumpy sales clerk, that unloving spouse, this difficult child is here to 'hammer' home God's change in our own lives. That's a very freeing thought. It removes the stress of being angry or disappointed in others and instead helps us to focus on areas in our lives that we can change to create better relationships with each other and with our Creator. And so, I just want to say, publicly, "thank you Lord for sending that big hammer into my life named Joe. Please, work your change in me. Refine my life. Hammer out the kinks and the stubborn creases." How I respond to my husband is all about my stuff. It's not about his stuff. That's between him and the Lord. And so, tonight, I bend willingly over the anvil, and even though I feel that I am already beaten flat, I will trust that God still sees that there is work to be done. Wack away Lord! And please, hold my hand while you're doing it.

The Forecast is for a Mix of Sun and Cloud

2005-10-15T19:14:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've updated you on my marriage situation. For those of you who are new friends, back in November of last year, my husband of 3 years left me and my 7 month old son. It's been a heartbreaking journey but God has been good. We are in marriage counseling and my husband maintains that there is still hope of a reconciliation. The waiting is so hard and there have been many, many, many nights where I have sobbed into the dawning day. God has given me a vision to hold on and not give up hope even though everyone around me has given up and continuously encourage me to do so. I have made a vow to God to remain faithful and wait for His voice to advise and guide me.
So, how's it going now? Well, it's still heartbreaking but I have not backed down on my conviction that marriage is forever and I am still believing. (Even though I have just stopped crying after my husband's visit a few minutes ago. Every time he leaves, its like the first day he left, all over again.) Anyways, I have certainly traveled up and down the sides of this valley. Some days, I get a glimpse of the sunshine over the edge. And then there are days when I seem to be crawling on the valley floor beneath a low fog, bumping my head on boulders, slipping on slime with a huge pack on my back. And God is there with me too, even when I look up through the slime and the fog and shake my fist at Him. Right now I'm standing in the valley and it's one of those cloudy, sunny days where the rays peak through the grey every once in a while, just long enough to lift your spirits a little and remember that the Son, even when we don't see Him is still there.

Oh, I love you so much!

2005-10-13T15:43:00.000-07:00

I am overwhelmed with thoughts of love and affection for you all! Where would I be without my beloved blogging family? You have lifted me in your prayers and God has filled me with incredible peace today that through Him, all things are possible! I may not have the mind of an 19 year-old, but then again, I don't have the mind of an 19 year-old! :) The files may be full, but they're full of the riches of life experience and the wisdom that only comes after trials, heartache, tough lessons, and gray hair! I have decided today that I have been learning under a cloud of self-doubt! I have played the negative-tape over and over in my head..."you can't do this, you're too old, it's too hard, you have too many things on your plate." I think that these are just excuses I give myself to allow me to fail. And I don't want to fail! I want to do awesome. I want to do my best for Christ, my son, my husband and myself!!! I will be writing nightly! It's my committment to you all! Big gigantic eye-popping, squeezy hugs to each of you!!!

Yikes!!

2005-10-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

Dear friends...midterms have arrived already! I'm in deep and feel like I'm sinking...fast! Please, if you have a moment, would you pray that I will be able to recall what I have studied? My 42-year-old brain just doesn't seem to have the capacity to store or bring to mind what I need when I need it. I think the files are already full! Tomorrow's midterm at 9:25 a.m. PST is a paper on the mythical gods of the classics for my Backgrounds of English Literature class. Next Wednesday at 10:00 a.m. is my Theories of Personality exam and on Thursday at 4:00 p.m. is my scariest one...The Exceptional Child in the Classroom...it'll be a toughie! Thank you for your faithfulness. I will have a bit of a lull after next week when I hopefully will be able to write something a bit more interesting than this! Hugs to you all!

I'm Not Wonder Woman...I'm Gilligan!

2005-10-04T22:33:00.000-07:00

You know that verse in the bible that says God will not give us more than we are able to bear? Does that verse ever make you angry? That's how I feel tonight. I'm sitting here and I'm wondering, "Who does God think I am? Am I Wonder Woman? Am I made of steel with industrial sized rivets and bolts holding my thick crocodile skin together? Am I 'Spock', all logic and no emotion? Am I sturdy as an Oak tree? Am I stronger than an ox? Do I have powers yet untapped to see into the future or make all my troubles vanish with the flick of a magic wand? Surely He has mistaken me for someone else. He's gone and got me mixed up with a woman of tremendous courage and iron-clad faith and He seems to think I'm fearless and powerful and wise.

I am none of the above. I am Gilligan. I am made of wax and marshmallow. My skin is made of the same stuff as spider webs and I am being held together by no-name brand bandaids. I am all emotion, all feeling and little logic. I certainly don't have a clue what the future holds and my magic wand is broke! I'm terrified, my faith is faltering, I feel powerless and dumb.

Perhaps, and this is pure speculation, I am all of these things combined. The first stuff is what I can be through Him and the second stuff is what I am without Him. Or even better, perhaps no-name brand bandaids are all He requires of me. He's the superglue! And I all I have to do is hang on for just long enough, not make any sudden moves, but wait quietly for the glue to dry and hold all things together. And when He's ready, when the broken bits are fixed, He'll let me sore again.

Consider The Lilies!

2005-10-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

God had a message for me today and it followed me around the university campus. In two separate and very unrelated classes, the professors read from the same passage in the bible:

Matthew 25-33

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

I truly believe that those words were sent for me. I've been so worried about where I'm living, wondering how safe we are here, and how we'll make ends meet as I study. It's been on my mind and I have shared my worries with no one but the Lord. I asked Him last night to give me a promise to hang on to, something tangible. And so, through the mouths of my professors came the words of Christ. And I know tonight that He has not forsaken me, even though it feels at times that I am all alone. He knows what I need! What a relief!

Don't Forget Me!

2005-09-30T20:43:00.000-07:00

Hello dear friends. I seem to be lost in a pile of textbooks, papers and projects! It seems so hard to sit down and write my blog when I just want to fall into bed. However, I must not forget that it has been your friendship, prayers and words of comfort and encouragement that helped me do what I've done in the past month. The move to the new apartment was physically and emotionally draining. Starting school at the same time was on the verge of insane! However, here I am, all my boxes but one unpacked, and I'm only a bit behind in my homework! :) It's incredible how God has given me just enough strength to make it through the day. Nights are still hard as little son still does not want to sleep. I've been awake since 2:30 a.m. this morning! My friend David Fisher posted a comment on my last post telling me that God told Him that Jesus was interceding on my behalf all night long, 3 days ago. Not coincidently, it was a terrible night and I was angry with God and I told Him that I hated Him! I knew of course, deep within, that I loved Him more than life, but my emotions were saying something different. David's words have left me feeling very strange, it's hard to explain. I can picture Christ standing before God saying, "She's been faithful but she's getting discouraged Father. Hasn't she had enough? Is it time yet for her miracle? Please Father, be merciful. I died for her. I love her. Let the hurt stop soon Father!" And then, I see the Father shaking His head slowly and saying to Jesus, "Not yet Son, I'm not quite done what I need to do. It's not time. Help her to hold on." That vision makes me sad. I'm so ready for the struggle to end. So ready to receive my miracle. But I will wait. "Lord, forgive me for using the word hate and You in the same breath. I love You with all my heart. Help me to love you more. And Jesus, please continue to intercede on my behalf and until the Father is ready, give me the strength I need to make it through each day with grace and love and courage. Amen." Much love to you all!

Finding God In The Storm

2005-09-23T22:29:00.000-07:00

Tonight, as I sit here fretting about getting my place unpacked and my homework done, I'm reminded of those in Texas and Louisiana who are fleeing their homes as the storm approaches. I can be so caught up in my own petty problems that I forget about those in this world who are facing 'the real thing' tonight.

It's hard to understand why God would allow such devastation. After all, He is Omnipotent! He speaks and the winds are stilled. He could stop Rita in here tracks and not a ripple would be seen on the waters of the Gulf. And yet, she is still bearing down hard and it looks as if she will leave her indelible mark on the landscape and on the lives of the people who call those places in her path, home.

And so, I ask God tonight to protect human life. And I pray that His children, those who call themselves Christians will respond to the need like never before and turn this terrible storm into a triumph of Christian love and obedience. I pray that the winds of Christ's love would blow through peoples hearts and souls and those that don't know Him will find Him in the storm and in the revealing calm that follows.

And for those of us who are fortunate enough to crawl into the warmth of our own dry, cozy beds may we stop for a moment before we drift into a safe slumber and thank God for His grace and mercy.

Guilt-ridden to Guilt-free!

2005-09-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

Today, one of my professors said this in his prayer before class started, "Lord, there's nothing I could ever do to make You love me more...(and there was silence for a moment before he finished the sentence)...and there is nothing I could ever do to make you love me less."

Zing! That pierced my heart. I have been so guilty for the past while thinking that I was failing God and He must be loving me less. Now I know, that's the lie satan tells us to break our relationship with God. We've all been there, committing a sin, then not wanting to talk to God because we feel guilty, bad about what we've done. Feel unworthy. What God really wants us to do, is to come instantly back to Him, confess our sin, receive His forgiveness than stand back and watch as He tosses it in the deepest sea. Then, go and learn from our mistake and be better at standing up against it should it rear it's ugly head again!

And so, I face this night guilt-free! Thank you Father for your unending love and grace and forgiveness!

Lost At Sea

2005-09-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

I've felt so lost over the past few weeks, not really knowing who I am in all of this. I'm mother, student, wife, daughter, sister, aunty, friend. Every one pulls a little bit from me and there are days when I feel I have nothing left for myself. I want to be the best Mommy, student, wife, daughter, sister, aunty, friend that I can be. But I'm tired. It's days like today, when everything seems foggy that I lean hard on my Lord to be my eyes, my heart, my mind, my everything. As I am tossed about on wild seas of uncertainty and confusion I look through the mist and see Christ and He is guiding me and I am not so lost after all.

My University Prayer

2005-09-15T15:30:00.000-07:00

My prayer over the coming days in University:

Lord, may I study to show myself approved to You, a [student] that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. 2 Timothy 2:15

Just A Moment To Spare...

2005-09-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

Well, here I sit in my University Collegium with just a few moments to spare. I wanted to update you all on how things are going. School is a huge adjustment! Wow...was I ever 20? I keep calling the other students 'the kids'. I really am getting old. The work load is humungous! I'm already behind and I never even got a chance to be ahead! So far, I love all of my classes except Creative Writing. Isn't that funny? The one class I was so looking forward to, my only 'fun' one, and it's nothing like I thought it would be. The focus is mainly poetry and while I love poetry and even enjoy writing it on occasion, I was really hoping that it would focus more on writing, how to develop a story-line, characters etc. as I have always wanted to write a book. Oh well. We'll see...I might grow to like it yet. I'll have to perform in a public poetry reading. Yikes, talk about being out of my comfort zone. But then, everything I'm doing right now is waaaayyyy out of my comfort zone.

The move is done. There's still lots of unpacking to do, but for the most part, the hard stuff is over. My Mom, God bless her, has hired Molly Maid to go to the house and do all the cleaning so I don't have to. I'm so greatful for that as it was just one more big thing on my already overloaded plate.

Thank you all for your love and prayers and for 'hanging' in there with me as I continue to grow and hurt and struggle and question and hope and believe!

Lean Hard

2005-09-13T21:43:00.000-07:00

Once again my Streams In The Desert devotional gripped my heart and captured my spirit, my prayers, my longing for Christ's sustaining love during this struggle:

Child of My love, lean hard,
And let Me feel the pressure of your care;
I know your burden, child. I shaped it;
Balanced it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion
In its weight to your unaided strength,
For even as I laid it on, I said,
this burden will be Mine, not hers;
So will I keep My child within the circling arms
Of My Own love." Here lay it down, nor fear
The government of worlds. Yet closer come:
You are not near enough. I would embrace your care;
So I might feel My child reclining on My breast.
You love Me, I know. So then do not doubt;
But loving Me, lean hard.

My favourite two lines in this poem are, "Child of My love" and "For even as I laid it on, I said this burden will be Mine, not hers." What an awesome thought. First that I am a child of His love. And secondly, even before I felt the full extent of this trial, God claimed it as His to bear, not mine. What a relief to know that it is His! And so, I will lean harder on Him tonight than I have ever leaned before! There is far too much for me to carry right now. I will gladly lift this weight off of my shoulders and give it to Him to carry. It will please Him because He loves me so!

Overwhelmed But Blessed!

2005-09-11T20:34:00.000-07:00

Dictionary.com defines overwhelmed like this: To surge over and submerge; engulf: waves overwhelming the rocky shoreline. Wow, how true to how I'm feeling right at this moment. The waves are definitely breaking over my head and the air I am gasping for is the breath of God. It is He alone that can sustain me and keep me from going under. It is Him. It is only Him. He is the reason why I'm able to breathe, however shallow those breathes may be. I am surrounded by boxes, by homework, by my confused and exhausted baby boy, by my completely stressed out dog, by loneliness, by heartbreak, by fear and by absolute bone-tiredness. But, praise be to God who so perfectly supplies all of my needs, I have a roof over my head, food in the cupboard and each of those boxes is full of pictures, books, treasured memories, clothes, soap, and many other things I am lucky enough to own. As I think of those down South in Louisiana and other places I can smile through my trials and feel amazingly, incredibly, joyfully blessed. Now, I'm off to study and then to bed! Thank you Jesus! You are sustaining me and I will not drown!

I Can Do All Things!

2005-09-10T20:37:00.000-07:00

Well, it's my first night here in my new condo. There are boxes stacked on either side of me and I haven't seen the floor in two days. However, the internet is up and running and so I thought I'd say a quick hello and let you know how things are going. It's been a very hard week! Moving really has taken it's emotional and physical toll on me. Today, I sat in my 'old' bedroom up at the house and just sobbed as I looked around the empty room. So many dreams, so much hurt and disappointment. No time to grieve though, I've got tons of unpacking to finish and I already have assignments due at the beginning of the week! Can you believe it? After only two days of classes and I'm already so bogged down I'm in a panic. How do I get everything done? "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me!" Praise God that He keeps running that verse over and over in my mind! Well, that's all for now. I can hardly keep my eyes open! More tomorrow!

The End Of A Chapter

2005-09-07T22:12:00.000-07:00

Well, this is my last night sleeping in this house, my last night sitting here in this bedroom at the computer. I'm not sure exactly how I feel. There is both a sense of relief and great sadness. I have not known many happy days here in this house. And yet, my son was born here, and it was our first house. I keep saying to myself, "It's just a thing. Plywood, drywall, paint, nails, flooring. And yet, put all those things together and they make home. I do not know what the future holds, but I certainly know who holds my future! And anywhere with Jesus is home sweet home. And so, I will boldly go forward in faith and hope and see what my Lord has to teach me yet. And the pen goes down and the page turns and this chapter is over...and a new one begins. I love you all!

Re-inflating My Faith

2005-09-06T21:31:00.000-07:00

I've been so sensitive to the presence of God through this dark journey that I seem to see Him everywhere and in everything. I've shared with you a few 'mysterious' moments when I have been given a vision of Angels holding my arms and helping me stand during an especially difficult time and feeling Christ's arms around my shoulders. Tonight, I had something unusual happen that gave me such instant peace that I feel I must share it, even if some may think me strange. After a phone call from my husband, I broke down sobbing while I was bathing my son. He's too young to understand tears and giggled up at me as he tossed a cup of water over his head. In an effort to 'stem' the flow running down my cheeks, I pressed Kyle's shirt to my eyes. Now, you know how when you push on your eyes, you can see colours and shapes. Well, as I pushed the shirt hard into my face an image of a white cross, as clear as if my eyes were open and staring straight at it, glowed brilliantly before me. The instant I saw it the tears stopped and this thought came to mind: "I'm right here daughter, I have not abandoned you. I'm working everything out right now, at this moment. Have faith. Don't lose hope. I showed you that cross to remind you that you are not alone in this!" Okay, some of you may be thinking that I'm finally losing it. But I hope that more of you are thinking what an awesome God we have that meets us in the exact moment we need Him most. And although He wants us to walk by faith and not by sight, there are times when He grants us just a glimpse, a tangible thing to hold onto, something that breathes air into our faith when it is on the verge of deflating. I believe that Christ did just that very thing for me tonight. Oh and yes, I tried pushing on my eyes a few times after that, and I got nothing but a vague orange/yellow halo and a few black spots. :)

I Know That My Morning Is Near

2005-09-06T15:55:00.000-07:00

If I can endure for this minute

Whatever is happening to me,

No matter how heavy my heart is

Or how dark the moment may be...

If I can remain calm and quiet

With all the world crashing about me,

Secure in the knowledge God loves me

When everyone else seems to doubt me...

If I can but keep on believing

What I know in my heart to be true,

That darkness will fade with the morning

And that "this will pass away too!"...

Then nothing in life can defeat me

For as long as this knowledge remains

I can suffer whatever is happening

For I know God will break all the chains

That are binding me in "the darkness"

And trying to fill me with fear...

For there is "no night without dawning"

And I know that "my morning" is near!

Love Lifted Me

2005-09-05T21:20:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a tough day, both physically and emotionally. I'm pleased to say that the majority of my home is now packed up. Just my bedroom to go. Physically, of course it's always tiring to move. It's especially hard when my 16 month old likes to pull everything out of the boxes as fast as I can put it in. I seem to be packing many things twice. Emotionally, with each stretch of the packing tape that pulls off the roll, I feel a bit of my heart tear away. Again, the tears flowed easily today as what I know and is familiar is packed away forever. The future so unknown, the past so full of sorrow and disappointment. And so, I must live in the present for it's the only thing I can know for sure. And what I know today is that God's love continues to lift me and hold me up. Without His care, I would not be able to do what I'm doing. And the words to that old hymn flit across my mind: Love lifted me, love lifted me. When nothing else could help love lifted me! There were 'angels on earth' today as my Mom and sister-in-law helped to pack. They sensed, and rightly so, that I was having a real hard time facing all of this alone. They showed up ready to work and will be back again over the next couple of days. And now, I will fall into bed and hopefully the baby will sleep well and I will sleep well and all will be well in my world as the Father's love lifts me and carries me onward!

Aloha And Welcome!

2005-09-03T21:04:00.000-07:00

Well, today I went back to University. It was orientation and registration day for new students and 'old' ones like me who were returning after 17 years! When I arrived on campus I was met by about a hundred laughing, dancing, highly enthusiastic student 'helpers' all dressed in bright Hawaiian shirts directing me to go this way and that. The gap between them, as they yelled, "Welcome to Trinity Western!", at the top of their lungs and me, as I slinked around in my hair dyed to hide all the grey, felt enormous! First stop ... the Welcome Tent. Here I was instructed to pick up my student package containing I.D. card, mailbox key etc. and class schedule. Wouldn't you know it, I was no where to be found. They hunted high and low for any sign of me actually belonging there but nothing could be found. So, I was sent inside to see the Registrar. Once there, I was met with more befuddled people who couldn't find me. They sent me to the student center. More confusion there, still no sign of my 'package'. The student center sent me back to the Registrar. They sent me to a new place. The new place sent me back to the first place. So the first place sent me to another new place. They sent me back to the second place. Pant, pant. Yikes, my feet are killing me already! More Hawaiian helpers yelled welcome at me. Someone offered me a new cell phone plan, a student credit card, the University paper. Still no package. I walked past some very cute 'Hawaiian' jocks at tables set up to nab potential athletes. No one said welcome. Still no package. Suddenly, my cell phone rang out its familiar Caribbean salsa ring and a voice informed me to head back to the original office. My package was found! I did belong! Next I went to a meeting for mature students. I was the only one there. I felt ancient. My feet were burning, my back was aching and the pimply faced 'Hawaiian' waiting to greet the mature students looked as lost as I did. That was enough for me! I bought my text books (one of them cost $140.00!) and drove out past more screaming 'Hawaiians' yelling something about 'see you in class' and I was gone! I went and got a Dairy Queen Mocha MooLatte and tried to drown myself in icecream and chocolate. I am now going to bed. I hope this doesn't kill me!

When The Spirit Moves - Literally

2005-09-01T22:28:00.000-07:00

I have been packing all day. This morning, as I sat on the couch cuddling my son and watching 'Blue's Clues' I was overcome with a feeling of despair. Those same words that flooded my mind in my new Condo came back to have another go. "I can't do this." I looked around at my still unpacked place and even though I don't have tons of stuff, it looked endless to me. I put my son down and moved forward to the edge of the couch. "I can't do this Lord. You're going to have to motivate me to get packing today. I can't do it on my own. My feet feel like they are made of lead. You may as well be asking me to walk up Mt. Everest in a neoprene scuba suit. That's how hard this feels to me." I sat there for a moment and then I stood up. I can't tell you much more than that. Something must have come over me because I lost track of time and before I knew it, it was time to feed and bath Kyle and put him to bed. And as I looked around, I was almost stunned to see that my kitchen was nearly completely packed up. God is so in the here and now. Without His help, I'd likely still be sitting on that couch. And so, one day, one box at a time, I can do this because Almighty God, the great 'mover' and shaker is helping do what needs to be done.

...and we live like Kings!

2005-08-31T21:43:00.000-07:00

"I'm blessed, I'm blessed, Oh God, you have blessed me far beyond what I deserve. You have put me in a place, this place and you have blessed me. I have so much to be thankful for." As the images pour in from Louisiana the tears fall and I shudder at the heartbreaking pictures of those who have lost all. A family huddles in their car, four beautiful little children. Big eyes, dirt smudged cheeks. They have run out of gas and they have a flat tire and they are hungry. A drug store opens up and all they are able to buy is cookies and lemonade and the children are laughing and thankful to have something to eat. And I feel immensely guilty over the sorrow I have felt over 'losing' my beautiful home and having to move into an 'old condo' when in fact it is a mansion. And each day I eat a feast. And my clothes are clean. And my thirst is easily quenched. And I am so blessed that my loving Heavenly Father has seen fit to care for me and my son in this way. "Oh Father, forgive when I have been selfish and thankless and spoiled. And should the day come that I lose everything, may I still feel blessed, so blessed, blessed far beyond what I deserve."

B.C.'s Desert Region - For those of you suprised that Canada has a desert, here are a few pictures all taken right here in Beautiful B.C. Enjoy!

2005-08-31T17:49:00.000-07:00

Waiting For Rain

2005-08-30T21:35:00.000-07:00

It's been pouring down rain for the past two days. I have always loved the rain. It is fresh and life-giving and cleansing. As a child, I lived in a desert, complete with cactus and tumble weed and rattlesnakes...right here in British Columbia, Canada. I remember vividly the smell of the sagebrush just after the rain. The scent of sage hung heavy in the air like a Thanksgiving turkey perfume. We would step outside, my Mom and I, and breathe deep the luscious aroma.

As I looked out at the rain this afternoon, the words to an old Gospel song flitted across my mind: "When my soul gets thirsty Lord, You make it rain for me." And as I sit here tonight, I am in desperate need of my Father to replenish my thirsty soul with His life-giving rain. I pray that it will wash over me, soak me to the bone, drench me. And as the drops run over my hair and down my face, may it cleanse away any impurities and nourish instead wisdom and hope and faith and love. "My soul is thirsty Lord, please make it rain for me."

The Painting Of My Life

2005-08-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

This picture just blew my mind! There is such serenity and peace balanced with wild untamed beauty. As I travel this difficult road, it helps me to stop and experience moments like this when I am taken away from the 'smallness' of my present circumstances and reminded that there is a great big world filled with such loveliness. I am also reminded that even though my life feels chaotic and out of control, the same God who organized and created this scene is also in charge of all the scenes of my life. And it is just as lovely, in it's own special way. God sees the beauty and the future, I only see the sadness and the present. If my life could be a painting, this is how I would want it to look. Wild and adventurous, coloured in vibrant hues, majestic and peaceful, reflecting the Father Creator.

My Spirit Receives A New Coat Of Paint

2005-08-28T22:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday and today, the Condo my son and I are moving into received a new coat of paint. My parents, brother & his wife and a family friend all pitched in to help me make the place look beautiful. My sweet boy and I arrived early, before anyone else got there and as I stood in the middle of the living room, holding Kyle in my arms, we committed our new 'home' to the Lord. The tears streamed down my face as I asked Him to keep us safe and to fill this home with His love and presence. All the while, a voice nagged at the corner of my mind. "I can't do this. I can't do this. Oh God, I can't do this." I put my son down on the floor and the tears continued to roll. Suddenly, a voice spoke through the fear and said, "You don't have to do this. I'll do it for you and with you and through you. If you give it over to me, I'll take charge." And so I did and a flood of peace washed over me. And with every stroke of the brush, the drab ugly colours disappeared and bright, fresh new colours arrived. And so too, the ugliness of the past year seemed to be dissolving and I began to feel fresh and new and bright. As I looked around my newly painted condo, I finally felt hope again. Perhaps, even a twinge of excitement as I anticipate what the Lord is going to do in the coming days, months, years.

2 Corinthians 5:17 ~ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

Whistling In The Dark

2005-08-25T22:47:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make...I'm terrified. I often think of what I write here as whistling in the dark. It's sometimes more of what I want to feel and believe and be, rather than what I really am. And what I really am is afraid. At times, like tonight I am paralyzed with fear. I went down to my condo, after my son went to sleep to do some painting. "I can do this," I kept thinking to myself on the drive down. "Oh God, help me do this." But I couldn't paint. The brush felt like it was made of lead. The paint was going on like molasses. Everything was closing in on me. So I came home. I was overcome with fear of the future and the sense of being all alone was suffocating me. I know I can sound like I'm so strong on paper, but in reality, I don't know how I'm doing it. It's all so overwhelming! And as I'm typing, this thought comes to me, "just one step, just one paint stroke, just one box, just one moment at a time." That's all that's required of me. God is saying to me, "I'm the God of the next step, the next stroke, the next box, the next moment. I've gone there ahead of you and as you arrive I will hold you up. And at the same time, I'm already at the next step, the next paint stroke, the next box, the next moment. And so on until you are there. Have faith daughter." And so, forgive me if I sound like I've got it all together, like I've mastered this faith thing. Because I haven't. But God has mastered it, written it, experienced it all. And that's the song I whistle!

Lady Wisdom and Madame Whore Invite Me For Dinner

2005-08-24T20:24:00.000-07:00

After an extremely difficult day filled with discouragement and disappointment, I asked my Father to share with me insight from His word. I felt so lost and thoughts of abandoning all I have been working so hard to save coursed through my veins like ice water. Doubt filled my mind and the message of the world started to slip into my thoughts. One word kept running through my mind, Bail! Bail! Bail while you still have your dignity. Bail. It will be so much easier! The word taunted me, drew me into its way of thinking. It sounded good. The idea was enticing. Think how much better life would be. Then, I flipped open The Message - a bible that sits in another room that I don't refer to often, and this is the what it opened up to:

Proverbs 9
Lady Wisdom Gives a Dinner Party
Lady Wisdom has built and furnished her home;
it's supported by seven hewn timbers.
The banquet meal is ready to be served: lamb roasted,
wine poured out, table set with silver and flowers.
Having dismissed her serving maids,
Lady Wisdom goes to town, stands in a prominent place,
and invites everyone within sound of her voice:
"Are you confused about life, don't know what's going on?
Come with me, oh come, have dinner with me!
I've prepared a wonderful spread--fresh-baked bread,
roast lamb, carefully selected wines.
Leave your impoverished confusion and live!
Walk up the street to a life with meaning."

Madame Whore Calls Out, Too.
Then there's this other woman, Madame Whore--
brazen, empty-headed, frivolous.
She sits on the front porch
of her house on Main Street,
And as people walk by minding
their own business, calls out,
"Are you confused about life, don't know what's going on?
Steal off with me, I'll show you a good time!
No one will ever know--I'll give you the time of your life."
But they don't know about all the skeletons in her closet,
that all her guests end up in hell.

Here's what God was saying to me. "There are two paths to choose here Becky. One path is wisdom. It is well planned, well thought through. It is serving and gracious. It is loving and giving. It takes effort and work. It is rich and satisfiying. It nourishes the mind and soul. The other path is folly. It is the whore, beckoning you to think about yourself, have a good time, do what feels good in this moment. Don't serve others, serve you. It is by far the easiest of the two paths. It requires less of you. It makes you feel good in the moment. It is also satisfying, temporarily. You're at a crucial time here Becky. Do you choose Lady Wisdom or Madame Whore. Do you listen to me, or to the father of lies. He is the whore. He wants you to bail, Becky. He's saying bail, I'm saying believe."

And so, I'll believe, with God's help. I will have dinner with Lady Wisdom. And the weight has lifted from my chest and the fog drifts away from my mind. I can breath easier again. I will love another day Lord. I will love.

Pass Me My Crutch!

2005-08-23T11:56:00.000-07:00

Today I am weary. Physically and emotionally exhausted. Do you ever wish you could sleep for a year? That's how I feel right now. And so, I ask my Father to give me the strength I need to face anything that arises today. Someone once told me that Christians use their faith as a crutch so they don't have to deal with things on there own. I say...Amen! If by crutch they mean something to lean on, something that will hold me up when I haven't got the power to stand on my own, something to keep me from crumbling into a heap on the ground, then you bet Christ is my crutch. And does this mean that I don't have to deal with things on my own? Then I say, "Amen" again! Isn't that what Christ offers us and wants us to receive? His help, His intervention, His plan? We don't have to do anything on our own power! Trust me, I've tried and it never works, at least not for long. It may work for a while but eventually I hit a brick wall. There was no way around it, through it or over it without Christ's help. And that is exactly where He wants us to be, wholly dependent on Him. So, pass me my crutch! And thank you Jesus for holding me up! "The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped...." Psalm 28:7

My Everlasting Light

2005-08-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

As I stood at my bedroom window last night staring at the evening sky, a black cloud drifted across the expanse and virtually extinguished the light of the moon. However, as black and ominous as the cloud was it could not fully shroud all traces of light as moon beams escaped from around the edges. This thought came to mind. No matter how dense and dark the cloud, it does not remove the light. It is still there, covered over with a veil of hurt and suffering, trials and pain, but there nonetheless. And that is where my hope lies. Christ, my source of light, cannot be snuffed out. He may be hidden to my eyes at times, but He remains constant behind the darkness. And He has commanded me to wait patiently with faith and trust that He will once again shine fully before me. My Lord is my Everlasting Light. There is no darkness in the world or below the world or above the world that can douse that light. My day will come when I will stand fully illuminated once again.

When God Says, "Love."

2005-08-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I feel an urgency to write about love. Not the kind of love that the world sells, but the kind of love Christ reflected and God commanded. Not the kind of love that gives up when it no longer 'feels good'. Not the kind of love that promises forever but really means as long as it's easy. No, I mean the kind of love that requires something of us. Love that requires us to die to self. That's not a very popular ideology today. Why should I have to die to self? Surely, we [women] have come a long way from those days when we suffered in silence and obeyed without question. Why should I hang on when it no longer feels good? Surely it is more important to find happiness and live to please me. Why should I persevere when all around me, others are giving up and jumping ship? Surely, no one would judge me, I've already given it my best. No one would blame me for quitting now. These are thoughts and questions I face daily as I talk with God and walk amongst family and friends who would be relieved to see me move on. It would be so much easier for everyone.

Well, I'm here to tell you tonight, that I am a strong woman, I am a confident woman and I am an intelligent woman. And I will not give up on love. I will continue to persevere. I will endure and die to self and hold my tongue and serve and uplift and encourage. I will love. Not because it's easy, not because I have some super-human capacity to love. I will go on loving because this is what God has called me to do. This is my reflection to Joe of Christ's love for him. This is my gift to our marriage. This was my promise, my vow.

This past week I have been told: "You are being led around by your nose. You are being taken advantage of. You deserve better. No one will blame you for giving up. You need to look out for yourself now. You've done all you can. Dump him. Move on. He's not worth it. And on and on and on..."

And so, I ignored all those voices and I asked God and He just keeps saying this one word over and over to me. "Love." That's it, just love. I ask Him for wisdom and the right words and insight. And He says, "Love." I ask Him for a sign, for peace, for a miracle. And He says, "Love." I ask Him to intervene, to change, to heal and He says, "Love."

Is there someone in your life that has hurt you, disappointed you, let you down? Put aside your anger, your hurt and all of your rights and just ask Christ to fill you to overflowing with love. And let Him do the rest. Whatever the outcome for me, I will know that I have loved with all my heart and all my soul and God's will, will be done.

Movin' On Up!

2005-08-19T12:54:00.000-07:00

I thought it may be time to give a bit of an update on my current state of affairs. As of today, I have a Condo for baby and I to move to. It's big and clean but not in the best neighborhood. The building is a bit run down, but the unit is owned by a very nice Christian couple who are both school teachers. We will begin moving bits and pieces in over the next week or two. Once again, it's a humbling experience to go from a beautiful house to a small, older condo. However, I will bloom where I'm planted with God's grace and love. The owners are letting me pick all new paints and will pay for the supplies if I do the labour. No problem. There are hardwood floors throughout and best of all, I'm allowed to keep my dog Max! That was an answer to prayer! And, it's on the ground floor so little buddy can go out to do his doggy stuff with ease. Also, the owner is installing in-suite laundry ( a stacking washer/dryer) right in the walk-in closet. How's that for convenient laundry...over the head and into the machine in one swoop! Some of my student loan money has arrived, just in time to pay some bills that were getting a bit too far past due. Also, I have found a lovely Christian mom who will provide daycare for Kyle 2 days a week while I'm in school. Another answer to prayer. Now all I need to do is find a laptop computer. I'm hoping to find a used one before school starts. I know that in the eyes of the world, I'm certainly going 'backwards' in life, losing my husband, my home, my income. But I see it as moving forward. I'm heading to school to finish my education. My faith is stronger than it has ever been, and Kyle and I will learn to wholly lean on Him to provide for our every need. And that is the only direction I want to go! Thank you all for your love and friendship. I covet your prayers and your words of encouragement! Much love, Becky

SPAM! Yuck!

2005-08-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

In an effort to stop some of the SPAM comments that are being left here, I have decided to implement the Word Verification option on the bottom of my comment boxes. I hope you will still comment and won't mind typing in the funny, slanted little word on the bottom. How this works is, it stops those Spammers that send automated messages to thousands of Blogs. Now, they have to stop and type in the Verification Word. Since the automated system can't do that, it moves on to someone else. If any of you are also receiving spam like my friend popsicle Pete (you should see his spam!) then you may want to implement this as well. It's very easy to do. You just go to Settings, then Comments, then click yes on Show Word Verification On Comments.

Evening Star

2005-08-18T08:08:00.000-07:00

Last night, as the day turned slowly into night, I found myself sitting alone staring up at the sky. In the center of a purple dusk, I saw the first star of the evening. "The Evening Star," I said out loud. Then these words drifted across my thoughts, "He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name." Psalm 147:4. I asked God what the Evening Star was called. This is the reply that He whispered to me, "Rebecca Faith." I laughed out loud. "Wouldn't that be something," I thought. "A star with my name on it." And then it came to me again, "Rebecca Faith." And so I stopped smiling and with serious thought, I asked God why? And He said, "Because I love you. Because I'm proud of you. Because in your journey, you have pleased me. And so, for you, the Evening Star is called Rebecca Faith and when you look at it, remember that you are doing well, I am satisfied with you and I love you." And as the sky filled up with more and more stars and the Evening Star faded into the crowd, I left for home and new beyond the shadow of even the smallest doubt that my Father had spoken to me and was happy with me and loved me and I slept deeply and in peace.

Heartbeat

2005-08-17T09:32:00.000-07:00

Last night was truly a triumph of the spirit for me. The production we saw was called 'Heartbeat'. "Featuring an impressive cast of over 55 dancers, martial artists, and musicians, the show takes the audience through the history of drums and drum dances through two millennia of Chinese history. Supported by over four hundred incredible hand made period costumes and a multitude of fantastic sets depicting the glorious dynasties of China, the show again promises to be a real feast for both eyes and ears." There were many moments throughout the performance that I just closed my eyes and let the beat of the drums take me away from all that hurts. During one particularily peaceful and somewhat 'transcendental' scene I let all the air out of my lungs and relaxed my shoulders and closed my eyes and whispered my own version of chants..."I love you Lord. You are awesome God. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for caring for me. I love you Lord..." And the drums kept time with my heart and God's heart, and we were one heart.

A Child In God's Care

2005-08-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

Oh how my spirit longs to be carefree and innocent. To play, to splash, to laugh. And then, I read today in Pia's blog http://myblog2002.blogspot.com/ these challenging words: "You must trust God completely and stop trying to figure out what you will do if God doesn't come through for you because that will never happen. There is nothing too hard or impossible for God." And I realized that I have expended a tremendous amount of energy trying to make plans in case God doesn't come through for me. But really, what God wants me to do is go play and splash and laugh because He's go the whole thing under control. He is telling me that I can have a carefree spirit once again. When I was a child, I never worried about having enough food to eat, or a bed to sleep in at night. I just knew that my daddy would take care of those things. I trusted, perhaps without really even realizing it, in his care for me. My heavenly Father is asking me to trust Him the same way. And isn't He even more able to provide all that I need? Psalm 37:25 tells us this ~ "I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread."

And so, tonight I will go have fun. My friend Alison phoned me out of the blue with 2 tickets to see a live production in the city tonight with her. It's been ages since I've just gone and had fun! Thank you Lord that not only do you take care of the bread and the bed, but the fun and the friends as well!

A Lonely Embrace

2005-08-15T20:36:00.000-07:00

Loneliness embraces me tonight. Not a gentle, loving embrace but a suffocating, heart thumping in my chest, tears spilling down my face kind of embrace. I'm here, sitting in front of this computer screen typing these words in an effort to disengage myself from it's grip. It is tenacious. It is heartless. It is not of my God. Loneliness is the one thing that can grab hold of my faith and shake it, hard. It's the toughest opponent of all for me. And with loneliness comes a host of other parasitic feelings; like pity and anger and fear. And so it builds until faith and hope are just distant flashes in the night sky. But I know, as a child of God, I must move towards those tiny lights for they are truth. They are telling me that I am not alone, the Creator of the Universe sits beside me. How dare I feel alone in His presence? His promises speak to my heart and I feel the grip relax just slightly. This is what I hear: The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8 The tears have stopped, the weight has lifted from my chest and I can breathe easier. So I say, "more Father, I need more." And I find these words, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2 And I am free. Oh, there will be more nights, more days, more moments like this one, but my Father will be there for them all. He understands. He has suffered loneliness as well, He has felt forsaken. I'm so glad He did. He must have known that we would need to know that He has walked this same path and felt the tight grip of loneliness.

Still Seeing The Light Through The Clouds

2005-08-14T12:27:00.000-07:00

A well meaning person said to me this week in reference to giving up on my husband, "but you have a right to be happy!" I've been thinking a lot about that statement and am now convinced that it is untrue. I started to think about the family from South America on T.V. this week that had nothing to eat, nothing to feed their precious little children with, no place to keep dry in the rain. What is their right to happiness? I thought about the Christian family in my parents church that have lost not one, not two, but three of their children, all at different times through different circumstances. What is their right to happiness? I don't believe God ever promised us the 'right' to be happy. He didn't say that as My children I will keep you from sadness or rescue you when things get tough. Instead He promised to give us joy in the midst of our circumstances. In the middle of poverty we can be happy. In the center of a hurtful and lonely marriage we can be happy. In loss, in pain, in grief, we can be happy. But it is not our right. It is our choice. And only Christ can give us the power to smile in the storm. We need to stop thinking about what is 'rightfully ours'. That kind of thinking belongs to the rest of the world. Instead we need to be thinking, "In this moment I choose to rejoice in the Lord. In the middle of this suffering I cling to His promise that the Joy of the Lord is my strength." It's not my right. It's my blessing!

Habakkuk 3:17-19 ~ "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior."

For All The World To See...

2005-08-12T22:34:00.000-07:00

As you can see by my profile, I thought it was time I removed the mask and regulator and showed you what I look like without a layer of neoprene and expensive scuba equipment. Part of my healing in this place has come from the words God writes upon my heart just moments before I type them on this blog, and part of the healing comes from the support and love I feel in this place. And so, I thought it was time to meet some of my friends face-to-face. I think that visually, it's important to connect with people. This is not to say that those of you out there who do not have a photo on your blog are 'hiding' it's just that as a part of this experience I felt it was time to 'come out'. I don't mean to make a big deal about this, it didn't take a lot of courage and I don't have huge self-esteem issues about the way I look. The truth is, many of you may not care one bit. I just thought it was time. So hi! Here I am, in all my glory (well at least part of me.) I'm actually nursing my son in this picture (that may fall under the category of 'too much information' and for that I'm sorry) but I've cut out the sensitive bits and here you have it!

P.S. Does anyone else think it's funny that the word 'blog' always come up as a spelling error on the blogspot spell checker?

She Can Laugh At The Days To Come

2005-08-11T22:53:00.000-07:00

I have walked through the fire and although I am singed, because of God's grace I appear to be intact. I have just had 2 of the most heartbreaking days I have ever had. And yet, here I sit full of God's love and wrapped in His mercy. I can see more fires smoldering and burning in the distance and I should be afraid, I should feel powerless, I should feel hopeless...but I do not, because God is fearless, God is all powerful and God is the source of all hope . And because Christ lives in me, I have access to the Father and all He has is mine!

Psalm 18:32 "It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect."

Colossians 1:11 "...being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance."

And finally, this verse which I think will be my theme as I face the fires to come:

Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come."

When Words Fail, There Is Always God's Word

2005-08-10T21:41:00.000-07:00

Isaiah 49:16 ~ See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.

Never Failing...Great Is His Love!

2005-08-10T12:47:00.000-07:00

Lamentations 3:22 ~ Because of the Lord's great love

we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

This verse fills me with peace today after a long and heartbreaking night. How wonderful to know that I will not be consumed, when all around me the flames roar higher and higher. As the waves break over, as the ground trembles beneath my feet, I will not be consumed. And you will not be consumed either! And why? Because the Lord loves us...greatly! And that love will never, ever fail!

Love, Love, Love

2005-08-09T22:54:00.000-07:00

This is my prayer tonight. This and to love. Love when it feels like all hope is gone. Love even though it hurts. Love beyond words that wound like the sharpest arrows. Love when it makes no sense to carry on loving. Love when the world says its time to stop loving. Love...love...love. Love like Jesus loves. Luke 6:27 ~ "But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you." Matthew 5:44 ~ "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." That's the kind of love I'm needing tonight. This is my prayer. I need a miracle.

The Day Pride Died

2005-08-08T22:15:00.000-07:00

Today will be a day that I will never forget. Do you remember exactly where you were standing on that fateful September 11th day? Today was like that for me. I experienced something so life changing that I will never forget it. It is a brand, seared onto my heart that reads, "The Day Pride Died." You see, today I stood in line at social services to see about getting a subsidy so I can put my son in Daycare 2 days a week while I go to school. As I stood there I was over come with shame. Never, ever, in a million years would I have imagined myself standing here. I've never looked down on those who receive assistance as long as they are doing their best. I just never thought I would be one of them. Pride. I have fierce pride. I have always looked after myself, always worked hard, never been the kind of person to ask for help. Independent all the way!

As I stood there, the tears began to well up in my eyes. I fought hard to keep them from spilling over onto my cheeks. I took a deep breath and silently screamed out to God to help me. I wanted to just sit down on the floor and sob. I felt myself sway. In an instant, an image flooded my spirit. I saw an angel standing to my left, one to my right. They each held me, their arms crooked in mine. And the feeling that I couldn't do this, that I was going to crumble under the weight of humiliation lifted from me and my eyes dried and I let go the breath I was holding. I can't say I smiled, but the words, "The joy of the Lord is my strength" kept racing through my mind. Over and over again I said it, "The joy of the Lord is my strength. The joy of the Lord..." For a conservative Mennonite Brethren girl, the idea of angels has always been somewhat difficult for me. However, today, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were with me.

2 Timothy 4:17 "But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength."

As I drove away I called a friend on my cell phone. I let the tears finally fall. Here's what she said to me, "I'm so sorry that you have to travel this road. However, you'll be able to say to someone someday, 'I know exactly what it feels like to stand in that line...' God is going to use this Becky!"

Proverbs 11:2 says, " When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." I pray that I will never feel that shame and disgrace again, but will instead see each situation as a possible opportunity for God to teach me a valuable lesson and perhaps have the opportunity to share my story someday to someone who needs to hear it. I can now say thankyou Lord, because I know that someday, I will get the opportunity to say, "I know exactly what it feels like to stand in that line. Jesus has made all the difference in my life. Can I tell you my story?"

Becoming...

2005-08-07T22:43:00.000-07:00

I held my son close in my arms tonight as he screamed in pain and frustration. He has another molar coming in and it hurts. So, I gave him a dose of Advil and rocked him as the tears streamed down my face in silent anguish to see my darling suffer. But I know that he must endure this suffering for a time until all of his teeth are in. I know that it is ultimately for his good, even though I wish it didn't hurt him so.

My Heavenly Father must feel the same anguish when I am suffering. Just like I know that my son must continue to endure this pain until all his teeth come in, my Father knows what I must endure to become the person He wants me to be. Like my son, I can't understand why I must go through this trial, but just like I know there are only 8 more teeth to go, my Father knows just how long this sorrow will last. He sees what's on the other side of this hurt. And I also know that He holds me in his arms and tears stream down His face in anguish to see His daughter suffer. And He tells me tonight, that it is only for a time and that something wonderful awaits me when this long night is over.

Isaiah 25:8 The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces.

The Big Picture

2005-08-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

This mornings Streams In The Desert began with this sentence, "It had pleased God to remove my youngest child under circumstances of peculiar trial and pain." I had to stop and reread that statement. That can't be what the author meant to say. How could it possibly please God to take away someone's child? I finished reading the days devotional but it did not answer my question to my satisfaction. It talked about God's grace being sufficient. It talked about believing in God's promises as fact, not just words to merely 'hope' on. But that opening sentence still disturbed me. I thought about my own child. What if it pleases God to take him? What would I do? How would I react?

And then, it came to me. It does not please God to see us suffer. God's own word says that it is never His intent to harm us. It is always His plan to give us hope and a future. God sees the big picture. He can see backwards and forwards. Left and right. Around corners and down corridors and behind closed doors. He can see beneath us and above us and through us. He knows what we need, when we need it. And so, He is pleased with His plan for our lives. He understands our pain and our suffering but He sees past it to the fruits it will yield. He saw past the death of that child to the lives that would be forever changed because of the steadfast faithfulness of the grieving father. He even saw as far ahead as today and new that my life would be touched and that my spirit would be encouraged. He knew that I would be challenged to trust in Him implicitly to take care of my future, because of that man's testimony. And so, it pleased God for He saw the big picture. And I will never be the same.

Down The Corridor Of Slamming Doors

2005-08-04T09:37:00.000-07:00

I feel as of late, that I have been walking down a long corridor with doors slamming to my left and to my right. The phone rings and a woman's voice tells me that she has a suite she would like to rent to me on a horse farm...my dog is welcome there! But it's too far away. Slam. The phone rings and a man says they have a suite to rent, your dog is welcome to stay too. It's too expensive. Slam. I receive an email from an organization I sent an application to that offers scholarships for University. We regret to inform you we had hundreds of applicants but your name was not chosen. Slam. And on and on it goes. Until my ears seem to be reverberating with the sound of slamming doors.

And so, this morning I had a vision. I was walking down a long corridor, the walls lovely with aged oak paneling, mirrors and beautiful pictures hung between countless open doors. As I approached each door, it would slam shut just as I stopped in front. It happened over and over again. I paused in the hallway, confused and flustered wondering which door I should take. A voice said to me, "Keep walking. There is a door waiting open just for you. You'll know it when you see it but if you stop here in the middle of this hallway you'll never reach it. You must keep walking." And so I walked, on and on and on. After many weary hours, there before me, not to my left or to my right but straight in front of me was a door standing wide. Through the opening I could see sunshine, green pastures, cool waters. I knew in an instant that this was my door. Exactly where I was meant to be and I never would have found it had I stopped walking. "Lord, give me the strength and the courage to keep walking down this hallway. I want to enter through the door that you have chosen for me and none other."

Jeremiah 29:11 ~ "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Trusting The Man That Died For Me

2005-08-02T21:32:00.000-07:00

"My child, you can trust the Man that died for you.

If you can't trust Him who can you trust?"

These words fell from the pages of my Streams In The Desert devotional book and landed in my lap with a thud. The simplicity of this statement stunned me. Of course, it's so obvious! Why would the man who died for me, not take absolute care of me? I mean, it wouldn't make any sense for Him to go through all the anguish and humiliation and suffering that He did for my sake, just to let me flounder about on my own power and stumble and fall and just lay there drowning in sadness and discouragement. Surely, He wants to see me thrive and bloom and grow so that others will see and notice and say, "Hey, there goes that girl that Jesus died for. Wow, what a difference He's made in her life." And so, I will trust this Man that died for me with every little detail of my life. It just makes sense.

E.A.M.

2005-07-30T12:05:00.000-07:00

There is a beautiful flat rock about the size of a flattened wad of bubble gum in my pocket bearing the letters E.A.M. I put those letters there. The letters are to remind me that God is still working, still on the job and that I can 'Expect A Miracle' any day, any moment now. To be honest, there are days I'd like to skip that rock across the mighty Fraser River and watch it sink beneath the surface like my hopes and dreams have done so many times. And then God calls my name, the way my Mother does when she wants my full attention, and He reminds me that although He has promised that 'all things will work together for my good', the timing is completely in His hands. And so, I rub my rock with my thumb and forefinger and I recommit to waiting for my miracle, believing it will be just at the right time, just in the right place and just exactly what I need, just for me.

It's Jesus

2005-07-28T21:07:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for your kind words and warm welcome back. I felt encouraged that to some of you, I sound 'stronger'. I think the truth is that I have grown weaker and have given more and more over to God's control. The strength you 'hear' is the strength He gives me. I have been brought down so low that only God's hand has held me up and that alone has finally pierced my independent heart and forced me to grab on for dear life. And in doing so, He has raised me up and filled me with His hope, His might, His power. People have commented, "I don't know how you're doing it?" I say, "it's Jesus." They say, "I would have given up long ago!" I say, "I did, and now it's Jesus." They confess, "I couldn't do it." I say, "me neither, it's Jesus." And bit by bit, one person, one heart at a time, I have been able to give God the glory for what He is doing in my life. And that is truly what it's all about.

2005-07-27T23:07:00.000-07:00

Giving It All To The Lord

Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow!

2005-07-27T22:44:00.000-07:00

It's so wonderful to be here tonight. Oh, how I have missed you all and how deeply I have missed writing. It is amazing how healing it is to share feelings, thoughts, hurts and hurrahs. To commit to 'paper' a desire to be faithful and to not lose hope. It helped me stay the course on many dark nights. And now I am back and there is much and so little to share. Since that post telling you my house had sold...that deal also fell through! And so, we received another offer, our 4th, that same day and finally there is a sold sign out front! I stared at the sign with mixed feelings; sad at all I had lost and glad to have finally made the decision to sell and proud that I had found the courage and strength to take steps. But oh, how the tears rolled down! I thought they would never stop. There are good days and bad days in respect to my marriage. There are days when I feel sure that a miracle is just moments away and then there are days when it feels like this conflict will have no end. There have been many voices, friends and family, carrying messages of discouragement and defeat. "Give up Becky. Move on. You've done more than anyone could have asked of you. Let go. He's not worth it. You deserve better." And then I hear the only voice that matters and it beckons me to love. And I pick up the phone and say, "hey honey, how's your day going? Have I told you today that I love you?" So, that's where it's at. Still clinging to that mighty Oak, still standing strong in the storm, still believing, hoping, praying and giving thanks for all I have.

2005-06-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

Be Still...

2005-06-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's Streams In The Desert spoke so truly to my Spirit that I wanted to share it, in it's entirety to you today. One of my struggles throughout this time has been the 'intruders' in my life that speak negative words and encourage me to 'move on' and 'give up' hope. They mean well, they are speaking out in defense of me. However, they are also speaking in contradiction to what I believe 'The Voice Of Truth' is speaking to me. He is telling me to 'hold on' and 'don't lose hope' and 'wait' for what I am going to do. And so, I struggle every day to listen to that Voice Of Truth and tune out the other voices of defeat that speak all around me. Some of those voices come from loved and trusted people and so it is difficult to just dismiss them. But dismiss them I must if I am going to be able to be still and hear what my Father has to say. So, here is yesterdays devotional:

When we are in doubt or difficulty, when many voices urge this course or the other, when prudence utters one advice and faith another, then let us be still, hushing each intruder, calming ourselves in the sacred hush of God's presence; let us study His Word in the attitude of devout attention; let us lift up our nature into the pure light of His face, eager only to know what God the Lord shall determine--and ere long a very distinct impression will be made, the unmistakable forth-telling of His secret counsel.

Are you in difficulty about your way? Go to God with your question; get direction from the light of His smile or the cloud of His refusal. If you will only get alone, where the lights and shadows of earth cannot interfere, where human opinions fail to reach and if you will dare to wait there silent and expectant, though all around you insist on immediate decision or action--the will of God will be made clear; and you will have a new conception of God, a deeper insight into His nature and heart of love, which shall be for yourself alone a rapturous experience, to abide your precious perquisite forever, the rich guerdon of those long waiting hours. --David

"STAND STILL," my soul, for so thy Lord commands:

E'en when thy way seems blocked, leave it in His wise hands;

His arm is mighty to divide the wave.

"Stand still," my soul, "stand still" and thou shalt see

How God can work the "impossible" for thee,

For with a great deliverance He doth save.

Be not impatient, but in stillness stand,

Even when compassed \'round on every hand,

In ways thy spirit does not comprehend.

God cannot clear thy way till thou art still,

That He may work in thee His blessed will,

And all thy heart and will to Him do bend.

"BE STILL," my soul, for just as thou art still,

Can God reveal Himself to thee; until

Through thee His love and light and life can freely flow;

In stillness God can work through thee and reach

The souls around thee. He then through thee can teach

His lessons, and His power in weakness show.

"BE STILL"--a deeper step in faith and rest.

"Be still and know" thy Father knoweth best

The way to lead His child to that fair land,

A "summer" land, where quiet waters flow;

Where longing souls are satisfied, and "know

Their God," and praise for all that He has planned.

2005-06-21T21:39:00.000-07:00

A Shelter From The Storm

In Christ Alone

2005-06-21T14:03:00.000-07:00

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

This is the power of Christ in me

From life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand

~ Newsboys

2005-06-20T16:22:00.000-07:00

No Longer Hanging Out Here

Coming down off the ledge!

2005-06-20T16:00:00.000-07:00

Today, I am so cranky you should be glad you're reading this blog from a distance. : ) After another sleepless night and a day filled with Realtors dragging strangers through my house, I felt like I was 'on the edge'. And then, this image appeared in my mind, a famous painting I remember seeing as a little girl. It didn't mean much to me then, "oh, the poor little lamb must have been so afraid." Now, it means something quite different. I didn't know back then that one day, I would feel like that little lamb, alone on the edge of a great precipice, waiting for my Shepherd to grab hold and pluck me from the waiting arms of sorrow and self-pity and unbearable sadness. And as I type these words I realize why my Father brought this picture to mind. He wanted to remind me that I am not on that ledge; that the day Jesus died, He scooped me up and held me in His arms and I have never been out of his sight again. I 'was' lost, but I am found. I can choose to never wander from His loving gaze and watchful care again. I don't have to return to that ledge over and over again, as the evil one would have me do. He would like for me to feel that I am always lost and out of sight of The Shepherd. What a lie. And so, I will instead graze along the 'still waters' and 'lie down in green pastures' and find restoration for my weary soul. And I will not go back out on that ledge. And I am not cranky anymore!

2005-06-17T22:02:00.000-07:00

Addison reminded me that it's been a while since I posted a picture of my little sweetheart so...here he is! At 14 months, he's a real 'going concern'. He was walking before he turned 1 and so now, a couple of months later he's already running! I now know why most people have babies in their 20's! At 41, he's hard to keep up with. He never stops moving. When I was pregnant with him, my doctor had me count how many times he kicked the walls of his 'womb' in a 2 hour period...the doctor was astonished when I told him, 92! I should have know then that I would spend my days chasing after him. Thank you again for your love and prayers! Now you can 'see' part of what you're praying for!

2005-06-16T12:05:00.000-07:00

A shelter In The Storm

Under The Umbrella

2005-06-16T11:35:00.000-07:00

Well, that's one fearful hurdle that I am now standing on the other side of...the house is for sale. It was a difficult day, filled with sadness and loss. And the night was harder yet, questions unanswered, grief and sorrow washed my pillow and my darling son awake for four hours in the middle of the night. Emotional and physical exhaustion culminated into moments of anger at God for not at least giving me a good nights sleep in light of everything I had endured. And the rain continues to beat down on me. And so I must make a choice...do I let it bend me over, buckle me under, drown my spirit; or do I choose to see it the way God would have me see it?

"It isn't raining afflictions for you. It is raining tenderness, love, compassion, patience and a thousand other flowers and fruits of the blessed Spirit, which are bringing into your life such a spiritual enrichment as all the fullness of worldly prosperity and ease was never able to beget in your innermost soul."

--J.M. McC. (Streams In The Desert)

I'm certainly going to give it my best, and what I cannot give, I will ask the Holy Spirit to give on my behalf. I will ask Him to fill me with holy strength and courage. And I will open the umbrella of Faith and stand under it. And though the rains may fall harder still and the winds may yet blow more fierce and the thunder might crash and boom still louder and the lightening may strike closer and closer, I will gather the folds of my coat and pull them close in around me and stand firm in the storm as long as Christ holds my hand.

2005-06-13T21:17:00.000-07:00

A Strong Tower

Courage Comes...

2005-06-13T20:27:00.000-07:00

Your prayers have reached me, from across the mighty Pacific Ocean and Australia, across the vast expanse of Canada's prairies in Manitoba and Ontario, from sunny California, from Ohio, from Utah and from right next door on beautiful Vancouver Island. You have all touched me with your thoughts and prayers as sure as if you were standing before me. I felt your arms of comfort, I heard your words of encouragement, I experienced your love and care. And today, I felt the strength and courage begin to seep slowly back into my spirit. My bending head lifted, my back straightened from its despondent bend, my eyes dried, my thoughts cleared and I felt, no, I knew that I was going to make it. It still hurts. I'm still tired; but the fear is diminishing. The dread has passed and in its place I feel resolve and confidence. Courage is still a bit elusive but if you continue to remember me I know it will come.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

Isn't that a powerful verse..."Have I not commanded you?" Who am I to ignore a direct command from God Almighty! And then His promise..."The Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." I have claimed this verse as the torch I will carry before me in the coming days and so I don't forget it, I will write it on my bathroom mirror with my neon green 'glass marker'. How awesome is our God. How very relevant and present and accessible He is.

His grace is great enough to meet the great things--

The crashing waves that overwhelm the soul,

The roaring winds that leave us stunned and breathless,

The sudden storms beyond our life's control.

~Annie Johnson Flint

2005-06-12T18:16:00.000-07:00

The Lord Is My Shepherd, I Shall Not Want!

Help!

2005-06-12T18:07:00.000-07:00

My house goes up for sale this coming week and I'm terrified! I know I need to trust God to take care of us...but bottom line is I'm a mom with a baby and I don't know where I'm going to go and I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing today. Just the thought of packing is scary and finding a place to store stuff and a new place to move into with a baby and a dog, and...and...and....it's just all so much to bear! I've been tearful all day. Just so unsure of everything. I don't know what God is teaching me, but it's been a hard lesson and I'm getting so weary. Please remember me in your prayers this week as I face what I must face. I need courage and strength and wisdom and faith. Thank you all for your love and support.

2005-06-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

Encamped About Me

Becky's Ladder

2005-06-11T12:18:00.000-07:00

I awoke this morning with thoughts of Angels. I'm not sure why or what exactly I was thinking, but their 'presence' has encircled me throughout this day. My mind has turned to them so often in the past few hours that I feel compelled to write about it. I don't know exactly what I believe about Angels. I've read all the bible verses I could find referring to them but still have only a hazy and formless idea of who they are and what they do. And yet, my sense about them is that they stand around me as I sit and 'pen' these words. Psalm 91:11 says, "For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." Hebrews 1:14 says, "Are not all Angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?" Since I am one of those heirs of grace, then they have been sent to minister to me. When I first began this difficult journey, I had a daydream that has fixed itself to me securely. I was lying propped up on my bed, waiting for my son to fall asleep. My eyes were closed and thoughts of my day were running through my mind. Quite suddenly, the faces of five men, beautiful but fierce looking, flashed like a slide show, one at a time before me. And then they were gone. My eyes flew open and I somehow felt quite sure that they were my Angels, sent to minister to me and help me through this sorrow and time of testing. Now to some of you, that may seem a bit far fetched, but I have thought about those five men and have somehow been comforted by the idea of their presence.

In Genesis 28, Jacob, upon reaching Bethel, lays his head down on a stone to rest . "He had a dream in which he saw a stairway resting on the earth, with its top reaching to heaven, and the angels of God were ascending and descending on it." And so, the vagueness about Angels clears a little. I believe that according to scripture they are a very real, tangible presence here, and likely more so when we are in the midst of a storm of sadness, loss and discouragement. It gives me peace to know that they are descending those stairs on my behalf and that the Lord sits at the top and is watching over all that transpires. And He says to me, like He said to Jacob, "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, --I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." (Gen. 28:15) And like Jacob, my response to this promise is, "If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear, --then the LORD will be my God ." (Gen. 28:20-21)